/

Bad Kitty

I went to my girl’s birthday dinner two nights ago at Ideya in Soho. Great restaurant, great drinks, blah, blah, blah.

Somehow, I end up having a conversation with three men about bad p***y. A fellow blogger, Naked With Socks On, wrote a post about men faking orgasms. Seems they just want to get it over with sometimes too. But I wondered, what would cause a man to fake it? I mean they go through so much trouble to get the “kitty” (as TLA likes to call it. Pause. Has anyone noticed that I cannot write a post without mentioning him anymore?), shouldn’t they want to stay in and enjoy it for as long as possible?

Usually yes, but sometimes no. (Read HERE for the full article.) So bad “kitty” seems to be the culprit. This surprises me more than hearing that men are pretending to finish.

“P*ssy can be bad?” I ask the gentleman to my right.

He’s baffled that I thought it was all good. His response: “Uh, yeah, Mel.”

“So what makes it bad?” I ask, posing my query to the trio of men at the table.

“Dryness,” one blurts.

“She just lays there like a log,” announces another.

“Bad rhythm,” the last one says.

Hmm. Fascinating.

We were wrapping dinner when the topic came up. I had to rush home to transcribe a tape so I couldn’t explore the topic further. But the next day, I hit up my all-male Mind Squad, a careful selection of 20 employed, mostly single, educated, and articulate Black men, to get their thoughts on the matter. Are men really faking it? Or are my dinner companions just weirdos? And can kitty be bad?

This is (what else) I learned:

*61% of men surveyed have faked it.

What The Men Had To Say…

On why they fake it:

“I have been so bored sometimes I would do anything to get it over with.” He added that faking it was a last resort measure, only done when: “thinking about another chick doesn’t really do the job.”

“It was after multiple sex acts during the course of the night. She took it personal if i didn’t “finish” each and every time we did something. I was sleepy and it was like 6 in the morning so i faked so i could go to sleep.”

On what makes bad kitty:

*Lack of Rhythm/Bad Technique

“Some women just don’t know what to do or how to move their body. For example, riding doesn’t just mean going up and down, it’s about hitting different angles because each angle feels different. Not to mention it’s boring in just one spot continuously.”

“The p*ssy itself isn’t bad, it’s the woman attached to it. Bad p*s*y is a woman who doesn’t know how to work her hips, ride d*ck properly [evidently this is very important], and runs from the d*ck during back shots. If she doesn’t have rhythm then it’s difficult for us to work together.”

“Some girls just don’t know how to position themselves. In the ‘doggystyle’ position, your back cannot and should not be rounded. The arch should be concave from the point of view of the guy, not convex.”

*No Response

“I had a girlfriend once who was utterly silent throughout the entire experience. [It was awful.] A man wants to look at a woman and know he’s pleasing her. We also want to hear from her that we’re doing a good job. Any absence of feedback is pretty bad.”

“Some girls don’t know how to relax. It’s like they want to have sex, but still performing like its there first time. When a guy is on top of you, why not wrap ur legs around him? Why just lay there?”

*Dumb Talk

“Women who call me Daddy and say other cliche corny sh*t fall into said category.”

*Dryness

“Bad p*ssy is subjective, but for me its clampussy—super dry and (excuse the 40 Year Old Virgin ref) sandbag like.”

“P*ssy can be bad if there are no juices and berries, basically if its just dry. You can start fires like that especially with all the friction and pubic hairs.” [LOL! I laughed so hard after I read this one.]

*Lack of Feeling

“P*ssy can be bad if there is not an emotional connection. Sex and orgasm may happen, but after, you either feel empty inside or like you just raped someone.”

*Smell

“Uh…she wasn’t fresh down there. So it ruined the moment.”

*And finally, Nothing

“…bad p is like bad pizza, it’s still pretty f’n good”

“Some guys may say that bad p*s*y is not wet and all that stuff, but i think that has more to do with the girl not relaxing and letting her self go.”
—Amelda

Want more Amelda in your life? Check out all of her musings on life & love here.

Last 5 posts by Parlour

  • Moochie

    “P*ssy can be bad if there is not an emotional connection. Sex and orgasm may happen, but after, you either feel empty inside or like you just raped someone.”

    BWAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH

  • I can honestly say that I have NEVER had bad cookie dough (that’s the new term ya’ll……get used to it, lol!!!). I HAVE had bad bezel before…to me that’s worst than bad cookie dough.

    If the cookie dough isn’t moist, there’s always Lube…

    If she’s not hitting the right angles, shit…take control and show her how to do it right.

    If you don’t feel some type of emotional connection….it’s prolly cause she’s NOT YOUR WIFE!

    If she’s not speaking in tongues, brotha isn’t on his job….

    ….but there is no and I mean NO excuse for bad bezel. That’s just plain evil……