…Says The Single Girl: There is Always Someone Else

Perhaps the biggest misconception when it comes to dating is that there are only two people in a relationship.

Au contraire, dating is a team sport. Only thing is you don’t know who you are competing against for the number one spot.

Think of it as fantasy football.
Your man has you as his starter but unbeknownst to you he is looking at possible candidates who can take your spot depending on your performance. Or you’ve just replaced the previous franchise player he lost to free agency, trade or salary cap….For those of you not familiar with sports put it this way: Dating is one big audition.

You are never a sure bet until you are married and even then there are ways to find a loophole in those vows.

Dating or being in a relationship is not the same as being married. Often times women, yes women, get the two confused. To pull a line from the classic cinematic masterpiece, Love Jones, dating is about “exhausting the possibilities”.

No, it’s not about settling (I know some of you have jumped to that extreme).

Dating is about shifting through the applications, looking at each person’s attributes and using your mature mind to decide which one is the best partnership, not lover, looker, etc.

Your boyfriend comes to you and says:

“Sweetie, the last year has been great but I want to go in a different direction. Your time has been valuable and I know you will find much success.”

Most women would slit their wrists, pull out the “my life is over” sweats, retreat to the bedroom and play Meshell Ndegeocello “Fool of Me” on repeat until they start to smell themselves and have no choice but to bathe.

But in reality, your relationship is fair game. Wouldn’t you rather be a well thought out and executed plan than a spur of the moment “Fuck it, why not”?

The “someone else” is never a person you should try to compare yourself to and is often not the woman you think it us. Sure every ex is a possible candidate but more times than not that someone else is a chick he has never even dated. She’s the woman who he’s known through friends, was always attracted to but respected so much he couldn’t get this words and thoughts together to step to her. She is the “Great Unknown,” the “I wonder if…”

He thinks about her from time to time and doesn’t see her often. They may speak via AIM, text but nothing to set a pattern by.

The “someone else” may be better for him than you or she may just be a fantasy. Either way she shouldn’t factor into how you treat your romance.

About …Says the Single Girl

Don’t let the name fool you. I’m an honorary card carrying member of the Man’s Mind. Years of working at a barbershop, gyms, having more male friends than I can count…Honey, I’m a half a chromosome away from sprouting a penis and chest hair with all of the man knowledge I know. Yes, I’m really single. And no, I’m not ugly.

Last 5 posts by The Single Girl

  • Sekou

    Bravo “single girl” you hit the nail on the head…

  • Big ups single girl! You know how long it took me to learn this?!

    LOL at “Most women would slit their wrists, pull out the “my life is over” sweats, retreat to the bedroom and play Meshell Ndegeocello “Fool of Me” on repeat until they start to smell themselves and have no choice but to bathe” Sadly, I been there and done that.

    This article should beb packaged with every girls first boyfriend.

  • truer words haven’t been spoken in a good long while. it wouldn’t hurt us to take a page out of the Guy’s Manual to Non-Committed Commitment, either. i’m going to go burn my Love and Basketball soundtrack right now…
    -www.rachelskerritt.blogspot.com

  • Lil Jon

    Yes, you have opened a small portion of the playas handbook, but beware, for it is powerful literature most women, single or involved, are not willing to handle.

    I’ve loved every woman I’ve been with, but you better believe there were cast members they never knew about which kept their individual renditions of ‘les miserables’ alive and well.

  • Quit telling out secrets k? K. Nah, it goes both ways though….nowadays a thinks he’s the star Quarterback, but the Coach (read: sistah) has a second, third and fourth string waiting to get in the game and play for 5 minutes. I think we get tripped up though because as you said, people don’t know the correct definition of dating.

    Dating to me means that I have two or sistahs that I hang out with, kick it with, go to functions with, blah, blah, blah…but I may or may not be having sex with either/any of them. Dating does not mean committed relationship and any sistah that starts exhibiting signs that she thinks we are committed when we haven’t had The Talk (trademarked) is swiftly given a Pink Slip.

    Now, I am NOT commitment phobic….I just have certain qualities that I’m looking for and as yet haven’t found a sistah that I felt comfortable enough to get that close to (or she wasn’t feeling me 100%. What? It can happen…I’m not THAT vain…). Until I do, you better believe I’ll be a dating fool…….lol!!!!

  • Lemu

    Lil Jon – “I’ve loved every woman I’ve been with, but you better believe there were cast members they never knew about which kept their individual renditions of ‘les miserables’ alive and well”

    ok I laughed out loud at that.

  • GVG

    feel like someone just pulled my card and i don’t like it.

    …Think someone is snitching

  • Lemu

    GVG – Don’t tell on yourself dawg..

    just leave an “I see you” comment, and take a mental note. lol

  • Lil Jon

    Yo frank, stop wasting your time B. Get with a white woman, the original mother of this earth!! They have good credit, and low cholesterol. Its a win win situation.

  • Enovaj

    Dating by definition is just that. No more no less. And your right it is a team sport. And recently I found out that I am the playing the 2 spot. Just call me the MJ of ‘the game’. I am sure there is a supporting cast, but I make sure in the end, 2 seconds left inthe game, the ‘coach’ knows he can depend on me to make the winning basket. I always play like there is someone trying to take my spot. Just because I am on the team, I have to STAY on the team.

    Have to let the coach know I am the MVP on his team. He builds the team around me, but without me, there is NO team.

    And I am no longer worried about what somebody else’s position is. I am just making sure mines is secure.

    Smooches,
    Enovaj