Viagra Monologues

So after the TLA/Hov intervention about the lack of blogs in July, TLA decides he will contribute to my writing cause by offering up ideas. (You think I am random? I have nothing on this dude.) He calls most nights to tell me about whatever eureka! he had at work (and too, to make sure I am posting daily.)

Monday night, he decides his contribution to he blog will be a confession. When he came to visit me for his birthday, his first visit to New York, he popped a pill. He was especially uh… friendly that weekend, so I assumed it was “X”

“You were high?!”

“What? No! Viagra!!”

Pause.

Pause.

Pause.

“What?!”

So he goes on to explain that every once in a blue moon when he wants to make a great impression or it’s a celebratory occasion with a lady friend that he pops a Viagra (or Cialis) pill.

“Ummmm…. So, babe, I mean, it like, still rises to the occasion on its own, doesn’t it?”

He assures me it does “Oh, yes, ma’am, Big Daddy has no problems in that arena,” he says (I told you he was a fool.) Then he reminds me of the time when he (insert adjective here)…. And I (insert response here)…. On the (insert location here). “That was all natural,” he points out.

“Oh…[blushing]. Okay.”

Although I’m currently pacified, he adds that he doesn’t understand what I was initially so shocked about. A lot of men do it. A lot!

Really?
I send out a mass email to the Man Mind Squad inquiring about who’s taken Viagra (or Cialis), why, and of course, the effects.

A well-meaning gentleman was among the first to respond:

“This is a taboo subject for dudes just like implants are for women. The difference is this regards sexual prowess. And if there is one thing the Alpha Male must have its an insatiable sexual appetite and can keep it up for ten hours straight or some shit. Anything less, you’re not a “man.” Dudes don’t want women to know that they need an advantage. In fact, I’ll be surprised if you get more than ten dudes admitting to have taken either pill.”

He was right. I didn’t get ten confessions to the pills, but I did get a couple. But even the guys who didn’t admit to Viagra (or Cialis) did cop to taking/using various products to gain said “advantage” so they can live up to the male d*ck-slinging hype.

Other than the obvious, (drinking liquor), I was told about working out beforehand to get the testosterone revving (pretty tame), and then numbing agents.

“Er?”

“I used those condoms that basically numb your penis so I wouldn’t cum as fast” said another gentleman. “I couldn’t feel anything. It was literally like screwing a bag of hot ice.”

This sounds horrible!!! All this trouble (and no feeling) just to make her happy?

He explained, “I would endure that just so I could guarantee that I did a GREAT job the first time. So she would come back for a second.”

He continued to use the numbing condoms until one day they didn’t work. “If I have no sensation down there, how can I stay excited?” After that, he gave them up.

Now the men who confessed to using Viagra (or Cialis) had some unique reasons:

“To make sure I leave a lasting impression for the long weekend! “He” is basically on call for a couple of hours and the erection is very firm. They are a guy’s best friend when trying to impress his lady.”

“As I have gotten older, my body can’t perform as long as it once did. I want to go more rounds than I am limited to now.” (He’s late 20s/ early 30s.)

“Alcohol is the only other special “juice” that keeps it hard for a long time but it takes an exceptional amount to do so. That’s why these pills come in handy. They keep you hard-on without the hangover!”

And apparently if he’s broken out the Viagra (or the numbing agents), he REALLY likes you. (The pills run about $20 a pop, plus the price of condoms.) So don’t make the mistake I did and immediately assume he has to take it because you don’t do it for him. In fact, you probably do it way too much for his longevity’s sake.

“It is only used for special occasions or a special woman,” another man said. “You just can’t bring out the Superman any ole time!”

I wondered then if any of the men had tales of eight hour erections, or some otherwise insane story. (Think Chris Rock in I Think I Love My Wife.)

“I have only had positive experiences and she did too,” said one guy. “Only thing, was that my penis was still hard first thing in the morning and it kind of hurt also.”

I was beginning to think this Viagra thing might not be so bad after all, especially since I get a whole lot of pleasure from the deal and there seem to be little to no side effects.

Then this little jewel landed in my Inbox. It’s from a strapping 28 year-old male (I had to call him that to get him to agree to let me tell this) and I am posting the story in its entirety:

“I remember the first (and last) time I took that shit like it was yesterday.

“My sister’s a nurse and gets all kinds of samples from vendors, so I tried Viagra shortly after it came out. It was around my then-girlfriend’s birthday so I was planning on taking her out to eat and afterwards bringing her back to my place to set her insides on fire.

“My sister recommended that I take half a pill cause they were the extra strength kind. Consistent with typical 23-24 year old train of thought, I thought, “If half a pill can make me last 2 hours…imagine what two WHOLE pills could do for me!?!”

I took two pills before our date so I could make sure it had time to absorb into the system. Took her to Jezebel for dinner and halfway through, she starts to rub on my thigh causing me to catch some wood. But something felt different this time. Not to get into too much detail, but when a man’s buddy gets hard, he can feel the blood pulsating causing it to inflate, like you’re pumping a bike tire with a hand pump.

Anyway, this time the blood continued to pulsate even after it got erect. I had a boner that I couldn’t get rid of. I thought about everything non-sexual I possibly could…baseball, work, jail, even my own damn mama. Nothing worked.

I tell my girl we need to go. “Why, we didn’t even finish our dinner yet.” she said. I grab her hand and put it between my legs. Needless to say we bounce with my jacket in front of my pants and head for my car. We get in and now I’m starting to get scared cause this shit is starting to hurt, like how it hurts when you flex a muscle for a really REALLY long time.

I suggest to my girl that maybe if she tops me off while I drive back to the crib (I live in the BX) that I could bust one off and hopefully my joint would go down for a while. She heads me off for 30 minutes straight from Manhattan to the BX. She does it so long that her jaw gets sore and her throat dries out. I still haven’t bust and now the shit hurts even more.

We get to the crib and get straight to business. Being the soldier I am, I’m gonna put the pain aside and finish what I started. What ended up happening was a 1.5-2 hour sex-a-thon. It was so bad that my girl had to tell me to stop after her 5th or 6th orgasm. Me? Dripping in sweat like a runaway slave but not even a fucking drop of semen. I ended up just dropping to sleep. Woke up the next morning with a headache reminiscent of my college days. But at least my joint went down.

Needless to say, I ain’t fuck with it since.”

—Amelda

Want more Amelda in your life? Check out all of her musings on life & love here.

Last 5 posts by Parlour

  • Wow! I don’t get it. If it ain’t broke, why fix it? Dudes can’t just be happy with the natural course of things? A healthy 20/30 year old man should be able to maintain with no problem.
    —Confused..

  • Steely D

    AHAHAHA! I can’t front, maybe it’s a good thing. Few things are more frustrating than a flacid member… :0/