Wife Beaters, Pt.2

They say that most abusive behavior is learned. So if I saw my pops hit my mom, I would in turn grow to abuse my wife. I’ve always written most of that of as bullshit, as I rarely subscribe to absolutes. However I do believe that after suffering abuse in her first marriage that my mother grew strong, so by the time she got with my dad, there was no way she was gonna put up with that shit. In turn I learned to pick a strong woman for my wife. I’ve always been attracted to the girly, super-feminine type, but I never got it confused with a woman that would take my bullshit.

The one-time that I did have the urge to slap the taste out of an ex-girlfriend’s mouth, I just broke up with her and walked away on the spot, never spoke to her again. Granted I was 16 and didn’t know much, but I did know that if shorty was foul enough for me to want to slap her, I probably shouldn’t be with her anyway. Still it’s amazing to me how many of our male friends abuse their woman, and how many of our female friends are abused. Another one of my ex-girlfriends, who I still remain good friends with today was in an abusive relationship and when she told me I damn near cried. Shorty was hood as hell, a sweetheart yes, but damn could she get down. She definitely wasn’t a punk and I just couldn’t see how she allowed this dude to have that power over her.
It took her a minute to actually leave dude, but she eventually did and I just tried to be there for her with positive advice, but never being to judgemental. It’s been about two years and I still don’t think babygirl has completely recovered. I’m not sure if she ever will. Even in my mom, I still find her at times unable to trust anyone, or feel completely safe even in her own home.

If you remember at the beginning of last week’s post, we started out in the barber shop, just a couple of dudes talking shit. While most of us in the shop agreed that hitting a woman was wrong, at least two of the cats admitted to hitting their girls (and I’m willing to bet another one or two of ’em did and were just afraid to admit it). Alls I’m saying is that I feel bad for the woman that’s waiting for them at home.

-Al “Brooklyn” Bundy

Want more Bundy? Check out his previous posts here.

Last 5 posts by Parlour

  • i think most men just walk away when things get that heated with their girl. but i do know some that see women as kids who need to be reminded physically of their place. The way I might ring my kids ears if they do some outrageous shit, in the same vein they will choke out their woman if she steps outta line. and they don’t see the problem with it.

    on the other side, some women, for many reasons, don’t like it but will put up with it. they may have grown up with such behavior and think it “normal”, or are willing to deal with anything to keep their man. generally i think abused women feel in some way they deserve to be hit and so deal with it.

    and I agree with the poster from part 1. if a man hits he’s probably abusing his woman in other emotionally & verbally as well.

  • just to clarify, i was saying that the abuse starts before the first hit so a lot of times, most people don’t recognize it as abuse. example, if it’s a joint income, one party decides to not contribute their money or take back their portion. if one of the parents is here illegally, the other always threatens to call INS or threaten to call ACS to have the children removed. the abuser is always hiding the victim’s keys so they can’t leave, etc. and just like there are many forms of abuse, there are many reasons why a woman wouldn’t leave. of course it starts with not believing that you deserve better but it’s deeper than that. if the victim is financially dependent on their abuser, or feels abandoned but their family & friends, they are more likely to stay in the abusive situation. i hate to sound like i’m trivializing abuse but i had advocates from a dv program make a presentation to my staff. they had us play a game in which we were given tokens representing money and some representing resources. everyone’s situation was different. the first time i played, i had two children, an 11 yr old girl and a 16 yr old boy. by the end of the game, i wound up in jail (i had killed my abuser) and my kids went into foster care. before the violence had escalated, when i tried to get into a dv shelter, i could not bring my 16 yr old son because he’s considered an adult male in that system. the next time i played it, i wound up dead. i could go on about why women stay but that’s a different topic.

    regarding the batterers, unfortunately, there are not enough battery prevention programs or treatment programs. incarcerating a violent person does not solve the problem. it just creates an angrier, more violent person and we have all heard of men trying to control their family from prison. i know that i’m off on a tangent but honestly, it’s difficult talking about the men who hit. i appreciate the fact that the conversation was even had. i’m happy you were there bundy and that you were able to present a nonviolent alternative to men who may have never considered it. i know that it meant so much more coming from you.

  • A Sister

    I LIVED IN AN ABUSE MARRIAGE FOR 13 YRS UNTILL I FINALY GOT THE NERVE TO LEAVE. wE HAVE A 9 YRS OLD SON AND HE IS THE ONE SUFFERING. MY EX HAVE A GIRL FRIEND NOW THAT HE LIVES WITH. EVERY NOW AND THEN WHEN HE FEELS LIKE IT HE THREATHEN MY LIFE STILL. WHAT IS SO SAD IS THE LIES HE TOLD PEOPLE ABOUT ME, THAT I WENT CRAZY AND I JUST TOOK HIS SON AWAY FROM HIM. IT WAS NOT THE FACT THAT HE WAS DRINKING AND SMOKING AND WAS VIOLENT IN THE HOME CONSTENTLY.ANY BAD THING THAT HE THINK WILL MAKE HIM LOOK GOOD HE HAVE SAID ABOUT ME. I AM 38 YRS OLD AND IT’S BEEN 3YRS SINCE AND I REFUSE TO TRUST ANYONE AND HAVE A RELATIONSHIP. MY HUSBAND COME AS A WOLF IN SHEEP CLOTHING IF ANYONE MEET HIM HE IS THE SWEETHEART A COMPARE TOO ME. I WAS LOOKED AT AS THE BITCH BECAUSE HE WAS THE FRIENDLY ONE. I WAS IN DISBELIEF THAT I WAS IN AN ABUSED MARRIAGE,FOR THE THINGS I WAS GOING THROUGH I KNEW I HAD TO GET OUT IT WAS JUST A MATTER OF WHEN AND HOW. I HAVE TO THANK GOD FOR ALL THE STRENGHT HE GAVE ME. I PRAYED HARD AND ASKED HIM TO COVER ME WITH HIS PRECIOUS BLOOD AND RELEASE ME FROM THIS SITUATION AND HE DID. I TOLD MY HUSBAND MY LIFE WAS IN THE LORDS HAND. IF THIS WAS THE WAY HE WANTED ME TO GO THERE WAS NOT ANYTHING ANYONE COULD DO, BUT IF IT WAS NOT THIS WAY HE COULD NOT TOUCH ME