Conversations That Make You Go Hmm…

Part I

I don’t get it. Again.

TLA and I have been “talking” since May, which puts our friendship somewhere around four months. Everything was pretty cool until I made the seemingly fatal mistake of wondering out loud, “why are we not boyfriend and girlfriend?”

Here’s the deal. I jump on a train almost every other weekend to go to DC. He works weekend nights and often can’t get away. I have the time and the means to travel, and so I do. On occasion, he comes to New York. We talk on the phone multiple times daily, not excluding the hour plus long conversation that we have most nights. He gets upset, I’m the first person he calls (and as we’ve learned, I’m expected to drop everything.) When I get upset… well, I’m not really a talker when I’m upset. But I did have a bad dream once and I called him at 3 AM. He invited me in August to go back home with him for Christmas to meet his family. We had a conversation about not seeing other people and becoming exclusive and I thought that was cool. Then one day I really thought about it, and I wondered: “why am I not his girlfriend? I mean I do everything a girlfriend does, right? And we’re not seeing other people, so why don’t I have the title?”

At this point, I ask him these questions in so many words. I didn’t ask in a way that would put the man on the defensive. It was more like a passing curiosity, like “hey, we’re so great together, why not?” But still, it was the beginning of kaput.

His first (and I’m guessing best) argument is that it’s only been 4 months. Only? Funny, the fact that’s it’s been four months is my argument for why we should be defined. I mean, I figured out that I want be with you beyond a passing fling, why haven’t you figured out if you want the same from me? (Or maybe he has.) Then he’s all like, well, I just got out of a relationship right before I met you and I just want to chill. I like things the way they are. Then it’s, I can’t focus on a relationship right now. I’m focused on my job and trying to get my money right.

He probably would have kept going with the reasons he wasn’t ready, but by then, I’d figured out either he wasn’t ready or he just wasn’t that into me (Maybe I should have guessed that by him not bringing up a relationship?) With either option, I conclude that I’m not going to be a girlfriend anytime soon.

I’m not entirely happy with the outcome of our talks, but I like him. And well, except for not having the title, things are good between us. This is the pep talk I give myself into just being easy for awhile. Plus, a frequent criticism I hear is that I bail on dudes at the first sign of trouble. Relationships ain’t all roses. And when relationships go south, trouble doesn’t last always. I’ve never really tried to stick anything out and since that’s never worked for me, I try the opposite this time. I will listen to every relationship cliché I’ve ever heard. I figure maybe he’ll come around in time. So I’ll ride this out and see what the future holds.

Wish me luck.

—Amelda

Want more Amelda in your life? Check out all of her musings on life & love here.

Last 5 posts by Parlour

  • Nicole

    And I thought I was the only one going through this…I have been following your posts and I can say we are in this together. I have the EXACT senario with the 4 months, both in 30’s, me doing all/majority of the travel, no title, guy saying he likes things the way they are and so on. It’s really incredible! Of course I tell my girlfriends about it and their first response is “you should leave him alone because he’s not the one for you”. Well I’m kind of torn like you because I like my guy too! It’s just amazing what we go through to be in relationships. Granted these are relationships that we “have” to par-take but ones that we choose because we “like” these people! The status of relationships really have changed and are almost extinct. Are these relationships just not for us????

    Wishing you luck!

  • amelda

    OMG! I just read your breakdown of what I wrote and when it gets to the nitty gritty of it, it really is a bleak as you say. What am I thinking putting up this?

    Je-sus. I just had a HUGE breakthrough.

    THANK YOU!

  • Um, maybe it’s the way this is written but the relationship seems very one-sided. You go to see him all the time (I get his job situation but still…) and as you said, you are expected to drop everything when he’s upset and needs to talk. DAMN THAT! Relationships are give and take.

    If you are ok w/ waiting it out then fine, don’t bring up the title thing ever again. If you’re not ok with it, then run far, far away b/c it’s been my experience that men know who they want to be with very early on in a courtship, if not immediately. Don’t be the one that gets strung along until something better comes around.

  • Convinced

    This sucks…. start dating other people. No need to put all of your eggs in one basket. I have been dating a guy for 6 months (non-exclusive) and just realized last month that I really like him. I was dating other men, and I am sure he was seeing other women. I didn’t give him any cookie until I realized that I liked him (6 months after we started dating) and we know giving the cookie away almost always takes things to another level for a woman.

    However, until we both show signs that we both want more, I am going to continue to enjoy his company without any pressure from either of us, yet still date other people… because I am a single woman.

  • Like convinced said in the comment before mine, maybe hes waiting for that ephipany that he really wants to be with you. Forcing a man to get into a relationship when hes not ready doesn’t always produce the best results.

    Maybe you are low key competing with another chick in DC?

    **pulls up a chair in the back of the room**

    continue on.

  • The title can ruin everything. Being in the gray provides flexibility. Its great for the psyche because neither party has to feel guilty when a spark flares with another. I operated in the gray for well over a year. I loved being single but having someone I really dug until I didn’t. At that point I had to come clean about how I felt for my own sanity. Had to know what my parameters were. Can’t keep reporting to work without a title; thats a Girl Friday.

    If you’re cool with how it’s going, then hang in there until you’re both on the same page but be open to other options if they come. And be frank with everyone if you do decide to date (that’s what you’re doing now–dating this man)others. But at the end of the day, be honest with yourself. Gray isn’t for everybody.

    Buena suerte!

  • I have to agree with girlfromlongbeach. Titles really don’t mean much in the greater scheme of things. If you two have a certain chemistry, then maybe that’s something that just can’t be put into words–or one particular title per-say. Titles tend to put you in a box which adds extra pressure–expectations–stress. Good energy and easy connections are hard to come by. Although it has been four months–you’re still in representative mode… big time. You’re clearly really into him and from your previous posts–it’s pretty clear that he’s into you as well. Maybe things aren’t moving as quickly as you would want–but relax.. they will in time. It’s one thing to feel that the feelings are not reciprocated. But if it it just a matter of a title–use that to flex your muscles a bit. Take a dinner or two or three here in NY… nothing special, but keep your options open to new male energy. Until there is a ring on your finger, it’s fair game.

  • Nik

    I say enjoy your time together. and when your apar, enjoy that too. I wouldn’t be dropping things just to talk to him. Thats what girlfriends do, not people who just kicking it. I understand that your into him and all that. but if he’s not willing to give you the same thing you give him, I say tell him to kick rocks.

  • Damnthisoundsfamiliar

    after reading this im like wow, this was the exact same situation I was in. I’m a dj, so a friend of mine told me his brother was a dj, he introduced, we hit it off, and 3months later we were still seeing eachother but not official, I began to wonder like damn he obviously likes me and we are like bestfriends, we talked all day everyday and them 3-4 hour long conversations everynight, so whats up with the offical??I asked and sure enough he gave me the exact same answer… I waited it out hoping that he would make it official, and he actually went to a ballgame with his boy who took two girls and 🙁 he told me about it and we parted ways after he admitted makn out with one of the chicks and he started officially dating the girl like a week later.. OUCH! It sux because im a very caring person and I gave it my all and got hurt in the end..