I don’t get it.Â Again.
TLA and I have been “talking” since May, which puts our friendship somewhere around four months. Everything was pretty cool until I made the seemingly fatal mistake of wondering out loud, “why are we not boyfriend and girlfriend?”
Here’s the deal. I jump on a train almost every other weekend to go to DC. He works weekend nights and often can’t get away. I have the time and the means to travel, and so I do. On occasion, he comes to New York. We talk on the phone multiple times daily, not excluding the hour plus long conversation that we have most nights. He gets upset, I’m the first person he calls (and as we’ve learned, I’m expected to drop everything.) When I get upset… well, I’m not really a talker when I’m upset. But I did have a bad dream once and I called him at 3 AM. He invited me in August to go back home with him for Christmas to meet his family. We had a conversation about not seeing other people and becoming exclusive and I thought that was cool. Then one day I really thought about it, and I wondered: “why am I not his girlfriend? I mean I do everything a girlfriend does, right? And we’re not seeing other people, so why don’t I have the title?”
At this point, I ask him these questions in so many words. I didn’t ask in a way that would put the man on the defensive. It was more like a passing curiosity, like “hey, we’re so great together, why not?” But still, it was the beginning of kaput.
His first (and I’m guessing best) argument is that it’s only been 4 months. Only? Funny, the fact that’s it’s been four months is my argument for why we should be defined. I mean, I figured out that I want be with you beyond a passing fling, why haven’t you figured out if you want the same from me? (Or maybe he has.) Then he’s all like, well, I just got out of a relationship right before I met you and I just want to chill. I like things the way they are. Then it’s, I can’t focus on a relationship right now. I’m focused on my job and trying to get my money right.
He probably would have kept going with the reasons he wasn’t ready, but by then, I’d figured out either he wasn’t ready or he just wasn’t that into me (Maybe I should have guessed that by him not bringing up a relationship?) With either option, I conclude that I’m not going to be a girlfriend anytime soon.
I’m not entirely happy with the outcome of our talks, but I like him. And well, except for not having the title, things are good between us. This is the pep talk I give myself into just being easy for awhile. Plus, a frequent criticism I hear is that I bail on dudes at the first sign of trouble. Relationships ain’t all roses. And when relationships go south, trouble doesn’t last always. I’ve never really tried to stick anything out and since that’s never worked for me, I try the opposite this time. I will listen to every relationship clichÃ© I’ve ever heard. I figure maybe he’ll come around in time. So I’ll ride this out and see what the future holds.
Wish me luck.
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