Wife Beaters Pt.3

If ya’ll recall a few weeks ago I did a two-part post on domestic violence. I thought that I had closed that chapter and wrote all that I could on that until this past week when a series of frightful events brought my once hypothetical situation closer to home. Now in order to respect the privacy of the parties involved, my descriptions of the people in this post will be vague, but please trust that this is very real.

Now I have a young girl in my family (she is in her teens) who I helped raise since she was a toddler going through a very real situation and it has me at a loss. The girl currently lives with my wife and I (and our two kids). We took her in to help her and try to provide some guidance, but so far it doesn’t seem that we have had any luck. Shorty is currently in a relationship with an older guy (it is not statutory- though I feel like it is and this law should be changed). Now dude has hit her in the past, I’ve never seen it with my own eyes, but I’ve heard things and seen things that leave no doubt in my mind. I have tried to confront her about it in the past and show her that I was there to protect her, but no luck. She simply denied that her boyfriend had done anything wrong.

As her relationship with dude progressed, my relationship with her became strained. I must admit it was partly due to me (because I couldn’t sit back and watch her profess her love for such an animal), but mostly due to her. As her relationship with homeboy grew, her ties to her family became increasingly strained. It now seems that in her world she doesn’t need anyone else but this guy that she is seeing, and aggressively pushes her family and closest friends away. Our arguments have become heated, but the bouts between her and her parents are far worse.

I couldn’t sit back and watch anymore, so this past week I had a run-in with her boyfriend. Needless to say, it got ugly. I can’t say I was surprised to find that dude wouldn’t even hit me back. But, whooping his ass didn’t help either and it seems that I have actually drove her closer to him. The most frustrating thing about the whole situation is not being able to help in a positive way. We tried to bring her to police station but she refuses and won’t even admit that there is a problem. I find myself mad at shorty for her weakness. Why run to the arms of an abusive lover, when you have the warm embrace of your family? Now I know you may be wondering about her parents and their role in all of this. Let’s just say they lost all control a long time ago.

In the end, I realize that there isn’t much more I can do to convince shorty that she deserves better. I can just sit back and wait for her to see it for herself. I’m just afraid of how much more abuse she will have to suffer before things turn. Where is rock bottom?

-Al “Brooklyn” Bundy

Want more Bundy? Check out his previous posts here.

Last 5 posts by Parlour

  • I’m sorry that you and your fam are going through such a thing. I know you love her and want to just snatch her up but really what you can do is limited. All you can do is continually be there for her, tell her/show her you love her but also let her know, regardless of what she says, you know what’s up so when she’s ready to leave you’ll be there here for her.

    I was in a very similar position years back. I push my fam and friends away for a dude that was no good. After all the arguing my peeps just fell back and were there for me. Most times we never spoke about the situation, but when I needed to they were there for me. My parents stopped harassing me about it but always let me know I could come back home at any time. After 5 long years, I finally left his ass but I had to come to that decision on my own. No amount of couseling, pleading or arguing could make it happen.

    Be patient, love her, let her know you there for her and hopefully she’ll come to her senses before things get too outta hand.

  • MoJo

    The hardest part for me when I know better (or when I think I do) is to get over my own anger at the situation b/c it has never helped. Me getting violent has had the same results you experienced. Some of the people I love most make unhealthy decisions, often. Others are just going through something they need to in order to reach a better sense of self. All I can do is listen, let them know what I think about it, and let it go. I do not advocate sympathy, however. Many people live grueling, harsh lives that are situational and have nothing to do with their choices. Those who choose to put themselves in harm’s way have their reasons, no doubt, but it is a choice and they bear responsibility for it. Feeling responsible for your own behavior is a powerful thing, to make the choice to be a victim means you can also make the choice to not be a victim. Often I’ve found that giving someone mild disapproval for a situation with an attitude of “that’s not a choice I would make” and then moving on to another topic/activity that includes them as a decision-maker gets across the point that they are a capable and worthy individual. Anyway it goes, I feel for you and for her.

  • there’s really nothing i can add so i am attaching a link for tips on teen dating violence prevention recommendations. http://www.abanet.org/unmet/teendating/preventionrecommendations.pdf

    continue to be there for her, no matter how hard she tries to push you away.