…Says the Single Girl: Give Him Up, Turn Him Loose

Dear Single Girl –

I had a really big insecurity with the guy I’m dating—his ex-girlfriend. I wanted her out of the picture. At first I used the faults of his ex to send him emails telling him she wasn’t shit. Then after about three months, my insecurities got the best of me again, and I read emails in his phone and one day sent her an email that was really meant for him.

I know both of those things were very, very wrong. But I felt like what he was telling me and what she was saying wasn’t the same message.

I really love this man, and wanted to have him all to myself and wanted her out of the picture.

However, prior and throughout the courtship he and I grew close. Very close. And I treat him like a king. And he knows it. Except for this thing that I just couldn’t let go of. All of my issues with him were only about his relationship with his ex. He just couldn’t understand why it bothered me so much. But I felt like with her out of the picture, he and I could really focus on our friendship, and possibly turning it into more.

After that last stint, he’s stopped speaking to me. He told me that I have to let him come to me now.

I know he cares a great deal for me, and he knows I feel the same way. I’m miserable without him. He means the world to me and I just want the opportunity to show him I am a great woman and I have gotten over my insecurity.

Here are some more details:

– We were dating for 5 months

– Turns out he was in a relationship when we met. But he didn’t tell me that until about three weeks after.

– She wasn’t the girlfriend when I sent the email. However I do believe she was trying hard to get back with him. (I have several email correspondences that prove as such. Her MySpace page song was ‘Need U Bad’ by Jazmine Sullivan)

– I do believe we can have a healthy relationship after this. Because he has never been 100% honest with me, thus we both have some growing to do. I know we have the foundation to grow from our mistakes. And I’d rather grow with him, than without him. We have never given ourselves a real chance at a relationship without the distraction of his ex. His ex has been there from day one.


I really want to send you the emails that went on between the two of them. Which I just so happened to read, because yes I broke into his phone.

My question is how long would you wait?

— Insanely in Love

Dear Insane –

I could take this time to point out all of the extra crazy shit you did (breaking into e-mail accounts, challenging the ex who has history on her side, stalking her MySpace page, etc) but I’ll let the Parlour Fam pick apart the details.

Here is my advice:

Move On (before someone calls the police).

Ok, ok maybe I’ll say a little bit more because I (like most people) have been in a position where you feel you are the better candidate and you want to show them. But sometimes showing and slaving and becoming a doormat still won’t win you the person’s heart and mind. You can win one or the other but both; that’s a great feat.

It sounds like you started in a good place and things went wrong and instead of you seeing the red flags (his being in a relationship!) and taking a step back, you charged ahead like George W. Bush in Iraq. Look at how that turned out for him.

As women we need to understand that having the best face, body, cooking, head game, juice box, etc doesn’t mean you are shoe in for the No. 1 spot.

I’ll end on this:

A woman can learn to love a man.

A man can’t learn to love a woman. Either he loves you and wants to be with you, or he doesn’t. Once his mind is made up there is no changing it.

— Says the Single Girl

Do you have a story to tell or a question for Single Girl?

You can reach her directly at SingleGirlNotes@gmail.com. Don’t be shy!

Bravely read the rest of her dating tips here.

PS: Steely D and En Vogue say “Give It Up, Turn It Loose”

Last 5 posts by The Single Girl

  • Tiifu

    Girl, I have been there. Wait as long as your heart can handle it. If he knows you are a good woman he’ll be back.

  • PopCorn

    “woman can learn to love a man.
    A man can’t learn to love a woman.”

    That is the TRUTH, you need to give it up, spend some time with yourself, get your mind right and then try again with someone else.

  • I’ve been looking on the Google Trends site, en vogue is a hot subject at the moment!

  • Godhelpya

    Yo is somebody reading my life story.

    This happened to me and my wife. My wife did this and more. But what I realized what that she was only reacting to my actions. She wanted me bad, but I couldn’t see that my ex was in the way. She is my ex for a reason. Especially when I knew that my wife was a dime.

    My wife did some fool shit. But when I sat back and looked at what I was doing, I could see how my wife reacted the way she did. Women are emotional, and when they are hurt they do wild shit.

    So my advice to Insane is, if dude is a solid dude, he know he did something to contribute to this madness. So back up, give him some time. If your a good woman to him like you say, men know good women are very very hard to find.
    Your ‘what’ was in a good place, but it was your ‘how’ that got you caught up, now he has to see the ‘why’, and know ‘who’ he has love for.

    Hang in there, he’ll be back.

    A-yo SG let’s read those emails she sent you, LOL!!

  • Godhelpya

    Oh and that part about once a man’s mind is made up ain’t no changing it, not true.

    When that Love Jones comes down on his ass, he can play hardcore all he wants. But that is some powerful shit.

  • Matt

    To Godhelpya, ur right. I thought I was done with a shawty, but when I sat and thought about it, I knew I needed her. Niggas know when they got a bad bitch, she ain’t goin nowhere. Tru story.

    But dude wasn’t honest with shawty from the jump. And if she read what he was tellin his ex, and tellin shawty somethin different, dude is still lyin.

    Niggas lie, yes. But thats usually to get the ass, or somethin shawty got. But if they rockin and 5 months later the ex is still around, I can see how shawty went left after readin his phone.

    My advice to shawty, speak to him. Ya’ll could rock out if ya’ll got love for each other. Dude ain’t lettin no bad bitch go, especially over no ex. Thats just dumb. Give dude sometime, I say a few weeks. If he comes back, there you go. But rock in the first lane. Can’t be speedin.

    But dude needs to let go of his ex. Why is she hangin around. She is the ex for a reason. He found a new shawty, give her chance to rock.

  • MadMan

    That is true about the “When that Love Jones comes down on his ass, he can play hardcore all he wants. But that is some powerful shit.”
    Word up to Godhelpya

  • MadMan

    But thats if SG is a telling the truth about being a Queen, to him being the King, cause we lie to ourself sometimes.

  • I just got out of a 2.5 year on and off relationship that started the same way but with alittle more (she just had his baby) major red flag! But you know what that is what life is about. You and you learn…