…Says the Single Girl: What’s Wrong With Me?!?

Single Girl,
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How do you not let “singledom” effect how you feel about yourself? How do you stop the “What’s wrong with me?” thoughts from creeping in, every now and then?
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– Dope Girl
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Every now and again I have my moments when I call my best friend and I whine in her ear about this very same question. She listens patiently and when I’ve stopped with my rant (“I just don’t understand it…”) she hits me with:
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“SG, you are single because you want to be. You could have had a boyfriend a long time ago but you don’t want just any man.”
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And each time, I’m silenced.

Too High vs Too Low Expectations

I, like many women, operate in extremes. Either I’m getting it in or I’m brushing cobwebs out of my panties. Either I’m dating four guys at once or contemplating joining Match.com (no comment). Either I date the super nice educated guy that I can walk all over or I’m chasing a man with a baby momma and a bat phone.

We wonder why we can’t find a good looking straight man with perfect credit, no kids, a career (not a job), his own place, car, savings account, nice teeth, big dick, no mental or jealously issues, no lingering ex-girlfriends, mommy or daddy issues…

All the while there’s a nice man, maybe a garbage man who occasionally smells like rotten banana peels, who has had you on his radar but it’s too late. You’ve already gone into “Fuck it, I’ll just be by my damn self, just me and my rabbit” mode. Or you open your door to the scum of the earth, rationalizing it to friends because see you don’t “want him to be my man so it’s ok if he doesn’t have a job and his parole officer calls my house.”

Seeking out a mate is test of will and balance. You can’t go in with a long list of “Don’ts & Won’ts.” Strip away all of the frivolous shit and get to the core of what you need in a mate: Trust, Love, Good Sex, Intelligence, Stability and Drive.

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Who you attract is a reflection of who you are and where you are in your life.

Are you meeting men who don’t know what they want?

Chances are you’re the chick that holds the line up at the “make your own salad” counter during the lunch-hour rush deciding between croûtons or craisins.

Been coming across men who are unreliable, unstable and cold?

Chances are your money ain’t right, you hate your roommate and your mood swings dip lower than Aretha Franklin’s tit-tays.

In order to attract the type of man you want and vice versa, you need to learn how to deal with your own issues.

Women who find themselves staring in the mirror searching for what it is in them that is keeping men away need to know that yes, there most likely is something in your personality that might be pushing men away. (I’m not even going to get into outward appearance. Yes, it does count!)

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Your Role in the Loneliness

The Ego Killer

The woman who has a tongue made of razor blades and whenever a man makes a boast, whether it be in jest or serious, she cuts him in half. Men are sensitive creatures. The last thing they want is a woman who isn’t going to make them feel good and occupy their little fantasy world every now and then. Even if you don’t agree with him, sometimes a simple head nod and “That’s nice” is all you need. Men don’t like women who always have some slick shit to say. Save it for your girlfriends.

The Fortress

Men do like challenges but they don’t like an impenetrable wall. There is nothing wrong with being shy but unresponsive like a corpse or indecisive isn’t gonna get you any dates. Men hate being asked “What are you thinking?” but they hate it even more when they can’t get a read on a woman they really want to get to know better. When it looks like it’s gonna take some dynamite, a hard hat and a jackhammer to crack through to you, he’d rather pack it up and find an easy chick that will give into him faster.

The Good Girl Jump Off

This may sound like an oxymoron but it’s real. I have a homie who swears she is sugary sweet and a “good girl” (translation: low body count) yet she finds herself in these “relationships” that aren’t relationships. She cries to me about “Why, after months of sleeping with him, doesn’t he want to be my man?” Simple: You played it like you were such a modest “good girl” then you let him drive the ship and your boat’s been docked at the “Sorry, I’m not looking for a relationship but I’ll take the free puss” pier for months. You gave him room to walk all over you. Stand up for yourself; say what you want when you want it and grow some balls.

The question “what is wrong with me?” is misleading. It gives off this sense of “I’m a victim at the mercy of men who just don’t want to see the good in me.” Nothing is further from the truth. There is nothing “wrong” with me or any of you. There are just little things we can tweak to make ourselves more desirable, to men but mostly to ourselves.

— Says the Single Girl

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Do you have a story to tell or a question for Single Girl? You can reach her directly at SingleGirlNotes@gmail.com. Don’t be shy!

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Last 5 posts by The Single Girl

  • Guywithglasses

    1)Without trying to act like a man, I think more women should take a page out of the gentlemans handbook when it comes to the “what is wrong with me?” question. Unlike most women, we men are the active pursuers, and are regularly shot down for reasons we’ll never know. Yet we don’t ask ourselves “whats wrong with me?”, we just say “she was a bitch anyway” and keep it moving. Finding a way to never internalize singledom is the key to keeping a smile on your face(Unless you know you are fucked up and got more baggage than Delta)

    2)We wonder why we can’t find a good looking straight man with perfect credit, no kids, a career (not a job), his own place, car, savings account, nice teeth, big dick, no mental or jealously issues, no lingering ex-girlfriends, mommy or daddy issues…

    Hi, my name is guywithglasses, how you doinnnnnn? lol

  • The Professor

    Yep, you silenced me (as I knew you would)
    Thank you:)

  • Ricki

    LOL @ more baggage than Delta

  • Frustrated ‘n Horny

    The Fortress definition rings true for me. But I have to say that it’s not entirely my fault. I’m 0 for 2: divorced from a college graduate who threw his career away for drugs and then happily shed of a shyster who pretended to be a savvy businessman with all these “entrepreneurial” ventures but nothing came to fruition after almost two years. so he was kicked to the curb. Since then nothing. I’m a smart sister who’s ready to go 50/50 with a good man, but they are definitely tough to find. I’m willing and able but don’t have time for the okey doke anymore.

  • “and your mood swings dip lower than Aretha Franklin’s tit-tays.”

    LMAO…now that was a good line.

  • amelda

    eh. i don’t buy into the premise that singledom means something is wrong with you. or that coupledness means somethings right with other people. i’ve been that miserable chick in a relationship desperate to break free. the grass ain’t always greener.

    if you’re single, perhaps it’s just not your time to have the right guy for you. enjoy the grass on your side of the fence until it is. (there’s a blog series about being near 30 and single on abelleinbrooklyn.blogspot.com)

  • Chantal

    Word! well said there’s really nothing I can add to it. You hit the nail in the head when you said “There are just little things we can tweak to make ourselves more desirable, to men but mostly to ourselves.”

  • I’ve asked myself that a time or two and usually one of my besties hits me with the same response. As well as my bro. For now i am just working on my wants and desires. The boo will come when I least expect it i suppose.

    I’m still lurking, but I like the blog so far 🙂