Says the Single Girl: Mark Your Calendar

Valentine’s Day is around the corner and if you don’t have a boo lined up by now, guess what? You aren’t going to get one!

Sorry to break the bad news to you. All you out there praying to the heavens above for that knight or princess to come to your heart’s rescue, save your breath. You’ve fallen victim to Love’s Black Out Dates.

Don’t bother looking on a calendar cause you won’t see it. Most people don’t know about the freeze period of August 30 – February 15.

Each year during these dates, little to no action takes place for people who are single with no prospects. You failed to line up a roster to carry you through the fall/winter and find yourself slightly bummed when Thanksgiving rolls around and you can’t add to your prayer, “I’m thankful for my boy/girlfriend.”

Some weeks later, you grow sullen because you’re only getting gifts from your parents and best friend who bought you something ’cause she has a man and doesn’t want to find you with slit wrists in the bathtub ’cause no one is there to kiss you under the mistletoe. By time the clock strikes midnight on New Year’s Day, the depression has hit. You won’t crawl from the cave until the snow melts and the springtime birds are chirping.

All of this would have been preventable if you had planned accordingly.

You’ll never look at a calendar the same way again:

The Single Folks Holiday Calendar

April 1: New Year’s Day

Forget January 1. For the uncoupled, the New Year starts in April when eligible bachelor/ettes come out of hibernation. You mark this celebration by attending more functions, flirting and indugling in some non-committed sex here and there.

May – August 1: Hunting Season

Find a target, correction, several targets.

Aim.

Shoot!

If you fire at 10 targets (yes, cast a wide net) you are bound to hit at least five. Two of them will be straight garbage. Leave them in the woods. You should be able to do something with the remaining three. By August, one of the three well be the lone prize. The other two will have canceled themselves out for one reason or another.

August 1 – 30: The Fire Sale

It’s the homestretch and that lone prize is looking like they deserve a spot on your mantelpiece but you can’t help but wonder what else is out there before you get your ladder and duster. Before you know it you have two more contenders. You’ve made up your mind that this trio is going last you for the rest of the year.

August 30 – Feb 15: Love Lockdown

If you stocked your pantry with the right supplies you’re set. The 3-man roster is shaping up. They entertain, love, tease and please you. By November you are clear about either getting serious with one of them or maintaining the no-strings attached arrangement (one of them will dislike this and bow out gracefully leaving you with two. One you really, really like and the one that really, really likes you.)

If you don’t have someone and you are all alone, stay in the no-strings attached zone, or the “I like you as a friend” squad. These months can be lonely but don’t worry. The New Year is close and this time you should mark your calendar vow to not repeat the past.

Happy New Year!

— Says the Single Girl

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Last 5 posts by The Single Girl

  • uh no

    this gives the horrible impression that all single women are lonely and desperate for a man. single does not equal pitiful. perhaps for you, but not for all. women need to find more to do with their time than pine for a man. men are wonderful, but they are not they be all end all. and not having one doesn’t lead to desperation or for that matter, pity from others.

  • GetaGrip

    This is very misleading. because for one, not all women are thirsty for a man JUST for Valentine’s day.

    And sorry to break the news to you as well, you are not a man( thus you ARE still single, lol). so if a man wants to get with a lady and its Jan 29th, it is very possible that she can still have a great valentine’s day. even if its just going out to lunch on valentine’s day.

    Plus this year valentine’s day falls during all-star weekend, so alot of women with a man may find dates cut short to watch the all-star activities.

    i agree with you oh no, women are not in need of some pity party because they don’t have a man on ONE day out of the year.

    Get a grip!!

  • Lanai

    While I understand what everyone above me had written, I don’t take this post so seriously. I see this as a satire,just poking fun at those who feels that their worlds revolve around a man. I read it, chuckle a bit and I’m about to move on with my day.

  • Charlie M.

    Lmao….you first two posters are just MAD or BITTER or just need some D-I….loosen up. We all know this is satire but satire also has a bit of truth to it. OH – must say this….”GetaGrip”…obviously you put a lot of thought into this with the correlation of dates kudos to you….but i can tell by your post that your waiting on random Mr. Jan 29th…whose proly a leo and just wants to boost his ego cause he CAN! LMAO

  • Katy

    Formula for surviving singledom = A healthy dose of charming self-deprecation + Sharing your reality with the rest of the world + Ability to laugh at one’s situation

  • Getagrip

    Ummm, Mr. Charlie M, sorry boo, but me and my baby have a whole weekend worth of activities planned, around the All-Star weekend of course. I AM a considerate woman.
    And I want to see the events too.

    And a Leo he is NOT!!

    So GET-A-GRIP!! LOL!!

  • Oh this is funny….I don’t agree with everything…but funny nonetheless

  • This is hilarious– and probably 90% accurate. At least in my single life! Thank God for ambiguously gay guy friends to take to the theater on 2/14 instead, right?

    Love the blog!