A Small “Blessing” is Still a Blessing Right?

Disclaimer: Because Amelda is writing an exhausting novel- her writing it is exhausting, not that I’ve read it and deemed it an exhausting read- she asked folks to write in their own stories and yes, they did! She got all kinds of crazy and deep and thoughtful stories. Anyway, someone wrote in with a dilemma. It’s a little racier than what she usually covers here, but hell, we’re all grown folk, even you 25 and under crew 😛 So, Happy New Year!

The writer goes by “Gi Gi”, is 26, and doesn’t want to give up any more information for reasons that will soon become obvious. And Amelda doesn’t know her from Eve so we can’t say anything else about her to give you more perspective other than she answered the call and we should all thank her for helping us fill the Amelda-void. (Otherwise ya’ll would still be reading “Happy New Year!”)

Okay, here goes:

You’d think it would be a little easier to find a complete package in the DMV (Washington. D.C., Maryland, Virginia). After all, this place is called Chocolate City because it has so many Black people. You can find a so-called good catch on paper—good job, accredited degree (maybe even a master’s) who doesn’t live at home pretty easy. He might even be cute. But everybody comes with an issue and I’ve been encountered men who fall short… I mean real short … in a very important department… if you get my drift.

I met this totally amazing guy a few months ago. The first time we hung out it was me and two of his boys (I had girlfriends that came along and they ditched us as they weren’t attracted to his friends.) Despite having his friends around, he was attentive the entire time. We were bar/club hopping in Adam’s Morgan and U Street so I couldn’t coat check and he practically begged me to hold my jacket. He’s called and stopped by on multiple occasions with food/snacks, offers to dog sit my puppy when I leave town, and has amazing conversation. We’ve talked about the usual dreamy stuff like wants, needs and desires. Our life plans seem to be somewhat parallel with both of us wanting to vacation in the same places, go back to school, move down south, buy houses and raise children, etc. He doesn’t avoid the “where is this going?/do you want a relationship?” convo and has expressed genuine interest in me. We’ve even read this blog (AMELDA NOTE: BIG SMILE) together and used stories as a jumping off point for discussions about past experiences, deal breakers, etc.

For what it’s worth, things stayed pretty PG between us. We were actually getting to know one another before hopping into bed. The other night, we had an adult sleepover on New Year’s Eve and things got a little PG- 13. I discovered that along with his big personality came a small—very small—package.

We are really playful together and I LOVE to wrestle. So we were in the bed—-me in pajama capris and a t-shirt and him in just in his boxers– and he made a smart remark so I pounced on him, which started another one of our silly wrestling matches. He pinched my butt during the play fight and I threatened to grab his family jewels if he did it again (immature, I know, but this method is the best way to check. I should add that some of my friends use spooning to guesstimate. Best when used in the morning. The guy above also refused to do a full out crotch- to-butt spoon with me. He did this hybrid where his crotch/pelvis was flat on the bed but his stomach was twisted and touching my butt with both of our legs intertwined.)

Anyway, he pinched. I went to grab…and suddenly he did a full-out belly flop on the bed and refused to move. He’s about 6 feet 4, 280 lbs, a linebacker build and almost solid muscle so there was no budging him. He does the same maneuver every time it looks like I was going for his crotch. He eventually put on his jeans and slept on my top of my comforter!!! He refused to get back into the bed because “I play too much,” according to him. I can’t make sense of this. I know he’s not opposed to having sex with me as we’ve had the whole conversation about whether or not it would happen and he agreed it was OK for it to be on my terms and to let him know when I’m ready. So if it’s not a case of him not being attracted, what is it?

The next morning we cuddled again him in jeans, me in pajamas. When he got up to leave, I decided then to just find out once and for all what his situation was. I boldly grabbed at his crotch area and… NOTHING. He jumped back and I tried to play it off, giggling, like I had grabbed and missed but there was honestly only a handful of boxers and something the size of a cocktail weenie.

I honestly am so turned off by him that I don’t want to even go to the next base because I know it won’t turn into a home run for me.

Unfortunately, this isn’t the first time this has happened. A couple years back, I dated another man, who had the same little problem. We took things slow too. And I really liked him, so much that I didn’t do the check before I said, “let’s go” to having sex.

We’re in the bed and after some adult affairs (his oral game is on point), he’s got the condom on. He’s on top again and he fiddles around down there and he’s… grinding? I’m thinking, “okay, fella, let’s get it started.” Instead, he’s dry humping me. Maybe he can’t find the entry?

I’m about to reach down there and help him guide the ship to the dock when he moans like he’s doing some real work. And that’s when I realize the minnow isn’t lost. He’s inside, but I can’t feel a damn thing. (In case you’re wondering, I’m no loose goose. I do my Kegel exercises faithfully to keep myself fit.)

So he’s thrusting and I’m confused. I don’t know what to do. I try raise my hips and thrust back, but nope, nothing. I clench myself as tight as I can. Nothing. I think maybe if we switch positions? I climb on top, start bouncing around, give him some circle action, then some front and back… Nothing. I turn around, arch my back… NOT A THING. I don’t want to hurt his feelings by telling him he’s not satisfying me since he’s such a nice guy. So I lay there, make some noise and talk a little mess so he can finish faster.

When he’s done, he tells me that sex with me is amazing!! He goes to the bathroom, comes back to clean me up and wants to cuddle and talk after! (I told you he was great.) I tell him I’m all sweaty and have to take a shower. I go in the bathroom and take care of my business so I can get a good night’s rest. He waits up, still all ready to cuddle when I come back to bed.

He knocks out a few minutes later, but I’m up thinking- thinking about what just happened. We drank earlier so maybe he couldn’t get a stiff one or maybe he was nervous because it’s our first time. I like this guy. I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt here.

The next morning when I wake up, he’s already out the bed. He’s naked, tidying up the room. I get a nice, clear view of him and his not so glorious glory. It wasn’t the liquor or nerves. There’s just not enough there to work with. He sees me looking and thinks I want to go again. Stop sign, buddy. I tell him I’m sore from the work he put in last night (I try not to laugh).

I do my best to avoid seeing him for the next week. I don’t want to be propositioned for sex. I don’t know if I can lay there and pretend again. He keeps calling to hang out and six days later, he’s annoying to me. He’s the same sweet guy he always was but because the sex is bad the little things I thought were cute begin to irk me.

On the Metro one morning, I catch myself thinking about sex with him and I cringe. What if we got married? I believe in being faithful and I picture a life of never remembering what penis feels like. Is good oral enough? As long as I’m having an orgasm does it matter how I reach it? My mind wandered to my ex. I thought about how big and amazing he was in bed (um, it took us three separate encounters on different days before he could get 3/4ths of it in) and I got a chill thinking about this little move he used to do (two quick shallow pumps, one deep and slow. Repeat.) I haven’t talked to him in awhile. Should I call? Um, yeah, no. I realized this guy and I are doomed. I don’t want to be totally shallow but I honestly am so turned off by him now. I don’t want to talk to him or have sex with him.

We broke up less than a week later.

By now you have to be thinking I’m immature. But good sex is an important part of a relationship to me. The only thing that separates male friends from boyfriends is sex and commitment. And if you don’t have it good for the first one, how can you keep up with the second for any length of time? I know a big package doesn’t automatically mean great sex, but at least it’s something to work with when training begins.

I seriously don’t want to pass on another potential-husband just because he has a little penis. But I need good sex. Is there anything I can do to get past this? How can I work with him? I’m serious. Any tips or tricks or positions for making something out of not much? Anyone?

—Amelda

Want more Amelda in your life? Check out all of her musings on life & love here.

Last 5 posts by Parlour