…Says The Single Girl: I Don’t Want to Get Married

Dear Single Girl,

I’m a good dude. I have a job (amazing in this economy), no kids, and college degrees. I recently bought my second home. Some would say I’m a great catch. The thing is, I don’t want to get married. Not now, maybe never. I’m writing because I’m not sure how to tell this incredible woman I’m dating that I don’t want to get married. Will she automatically leave me alone because she knows that I won’t put a ring on her finger? Or will she at least like me enough to enjoy what we can have, short of walking down the aisle. I’m not saying I won’t meet someone that I will want to spend the rest of my life with, it’s just that it’s not on the top of my list.

– No Vows For Me

Dear No Vows,

I commend you for knowing what it is that you want, or in this case don’t want. I tend to believe that all men know what it is that they want but don’t have the courage to tell women for the same fear you have-being rejected. Telling a woman what you want gives her the freedom of choice to deal with all the cards laid out on the table. Women like to know their limits. I didn’t say that they respect limits, but they like to know what they are so that they can push them. Every woman feels like she will be the one to get you to change your mind. Limits only tell us how to plot accordingly.

The issue of marriage should come up early on in the courtship process. Don’t go on the first date and blurt it out that you don’t want to get married after your order appetizers. During the “getting to know you” conversations her views on her parents relationship, marriage as a union, etc will come up. Most women will spill it directly or indirectly that they want to get married.

If You tell her…

…she will be disappointed.

A lot of people say they don’t want to get married but who really means it. Who wants to die alone? She’ll try to figure out what happened in your childhood that caused this. Did your dad beat your mother? Was your mother a bitch? These are real questions women ask themselves in hopes of trying to fix men.

…she will question whether she should waste her time on something that isn’t going to pay off.

Women don’t live in the moment. We live for the moment that is going to lead to the future. It’s not enough for you to be a great boyfriend. The goal is for you to be a great boyfriend we hope to see ourselves married to one day, the father of our kids, the one who pays the mortgage every month…on time!

…she’ll try to change your mind.

Home cooked meals, mind blowing sex, attentive to your wants and needs. She’ll try to show you how good of a woman she is. In a perfect world, you’ll wake up and it will dawn on you that you can’t live without her.

If You don’t tell her…

…over time she’ll grow resentful of you.

Who wants a woman that hates them just as much as she loves them? You would have made a fool of her and the old adage “Why buy the cow…” ring true. She’ll stay as long as her pride will allow, fearful that all of her years of hard work will make you a better man for the next woman who you’ll marry in a year’s time.

There is nothing wrong with getting married or not. Vows, you might luck out and meet a lot of women who don’t want to marry you either. With the economy the way that it is what’s the point.

SG

Bravely read the rest of her dating tips for Parlouristas here. Do you have a story to tell or a question for Single Girl? You can reach her directly at SingleGirlNotes@gmail.com. Don’t be shy!

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Last 5 posts by The Single Girl

  • No Vows,
    It’s totally cool that you’ve decided marriage is not for you – but along with that decision comes the reality that many women will not want to stick around. This is the downside that comes with your decision, and you have no choice but to accept it.

    And why would she stick around? If she IS looking to get married, why keep dating a man who’ll never commit, only to get more attached and therefore more hurt when it inevitably does end?

    You do need to tell her, not on the 1st date as SG says, but before it gets too far in the relationship (maybe 3rd or 4th date?). If you don’t, it will be for selfish reasons and she’ll think you’re a jerk for not coming clean sooner.

    Of course, there’s the chance that she doesn’t want a commitment either – then you both win! But if that’s not the case you just have to accept it and move on.

    Good luck!

    P.S. Very good response SG!

  • steels magnolia

    interesting

  • Greek_Girl

    Dude,
    I completely understand. I am in the same boat. I was married once. I distinctly remember an early conversation with the last man I dated when we were walking into work together. I asked if he was married. He said he had been married before this last one. Then he revealed he’d been married 4 times, 2 times to the second wife. I asked him what he learned from those relationships. Then he asked me if I was married. I said that I was separated, and getting a divorce. He asked me what I learned from that. I said, not to do it again. We dated for 6 years. I made it clear from the beginning I didn’t want him wasting my time if he wasn’t serious. I also made it clear I wasn’t intersted in marriage. Living in sin was the only way for me. This created issues throughout our relationship, off and on. I seriously began to reconsider my reasons for not wanting to become married the last few years. I’ve ended our relationship. I believe that as a result of my failing to play the marriage card, he felt I wasn’t as serious about our relationship as I was, and took a job out of state with the understanding it was temporary. It’s been 2 years now, and I decided that although I didn’t want marriage, I DID want someone to come home to everyday. Having made it clear my committment was only just short of marriage, it apparently wasn’t enough to keep this man as close as I would have like it to have been. He continues to pursue a relationship, but I fail to see the point now.
    Be prepared to endure hardships that accompany the message you’re sending by taking the marriage card off the table. It’s a game in which you might be left holding all your cards and watching your partner fold theirs. Good luck my man. I’m alone right now, and can’t say I really like it. I like men, companionship and waking up next to someone I care about. I don’t know how I can find a life partner without the ring on my finger.

  • VirgoVida

    Greek Girl and No Vows need to meet up! 🙂

  • MatureWoman

    Dear No Vows-

    I commend you for knowing what you want and don’t want in life. This is called being honest with yourself. While in a relationship (dating) or starting one with a woman, you need to be honest with her from the very beginning – if the two of you are on separate pages from the start, you are headed down heartbreak road. You wouldn’t be in this pickle had you been honest from the beginning…obviously, you are worried she will leave you because you know she wants what you don’t want to give her…whether it be now or later. There is nothing wrong wit not wanting to get married…perhaps one day you’ll change your mind when the right one comes along when you’re ready…your heart will tell you. There are many good looking, successful, independent, intelligent women out there that dont want marriage or children especially today…perhaps you should hook up with someone on the same page as you. And on one last note…it’s ok to change your mind about this as time goes by – we are all aloud to change our minds about issues in life (i.e. going from not wanting marriage to really wanting to marry someone). Good luck to you!
    CN