Women tend to be illogical optimists when it comes to men. When we like a guy, we quickly lose sight of the forest. We begin to think, â€œOnce he sees how good we are together, heâ€™ll want to change to make it work.â€ And while some guys may actually want to become a better man to suit the woman they love, most guys would rather find a woman who will accept them and their defects. Whatever your guyâ€™s issue isâ€”fear of commitment, arrogance, possessiveness, partying too muchâ€”heâ€™s only going to change if he wants to; you have no say in the matter. So before you invest a lot of time and emotional energy into a guy who would be great if heâ€™d just â€œfill in the blank,â€ youâ€™d better be sure you can deal with him just the way he is.
The thing that most women think they can change in a man is his resistance to commitment. Picture it: You and your guy are attracted to each other, you enjoy spending time together, you have a lot in common, you even have the same long-term goals. He tells you early on that heâ€™s not looking for a relationship, but you think, â€œHe says that now, but heâ€™d have to be crazy not to see that weâ€™re perfect for each other.â€ Well, crazy or not, he meant what he said. And Iâ€™d question your sanity if you didnâ€™t take it to heart. Men donâ€™t lie about not wanting relationships; where would that get them? And if you take my advice, and save sex for after a commitment is established, your guy wonâ€™t have a reason to string you along when he doesnâ€™t want a relationship. If youâ€™re looking to settle down and you meet an otherwise great guy who isnâ€™t, donâ€™t waste your time thinking you can change his mind. Consider yourself lucky for knowing the truth and keep it moving.
Iâ€™m always baffled when I hear a woman complaining about her boyfriendâ€™s or husbandâ€™s issuesâ€”issues the guy had when she met him. Unless your guy became a mamaâ€™s boy or a pathological liar after you two got together, you have no one to blame but yourself. The problem starts when youâ€™re dating a guy, discover that he has some questionable tendencies, and you convince yourself that you can get the guy to change. If your guy is really bad with money or has a violent temper, chances are heâ€™ll always be that way and if you pursue a future with him youâ€™d better be able to live with it. Maybe your guy knows he has issues and says he wants to change, but I wouldnâ€™t believe it â€˜til I saw it.
When it comes to small things like your individual pet peeves, the idea of changing a guy takes on a different meaning. Your guy leaving the toilet seat up or chewing with his mouth open shouldnâ€™t be a deal-breaker, but his reaction, when you gently ask him to compromise and do the closed-mouth-chew when in public, can be telling. Lasting relationships are sustained with compromise. No guy wants to be nagged, but if the woman he cares about asks him to do (or not do) something that isnâ€™t a major undertaking for him, but will make her happy, he should be willing to obligeâ€”and it goes both ways. But you probably wouldnâ€™t break up with a man because of poor table etiquette anyway. The bigger issues that can make or break a relationship are the things that really must be considered. You have to ask yourself if youâ€™d be happy in a long-term relationship with your guy if he never changed a thingâ€”because chances are you wonâ€™t be able to change him unless, of course, heâ€™s wearing a diaper.
If your expectations are reasonable, but your man isnâ€™t measuring up, youâ€™d do yourself a favor to let him go. You may be anxious to find â€œMr. Right,â€ but the last thing you want is to settle for â€œMr. Good Enoughâ€ out of desperation or unfounded hope and end up regretting it later. Youâ€™re better off waiting for a guy who is already where you need him to be instead of living in misery while you endlessly hope, to no avail, that some flawed guy will get it together.
Last 5 posts by Hitched Chick
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