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Parlour’s 10 Best of the Worst Hip-Hop (+ R&B) Videos of 2009

Last year we shared our best of the worst videos of 2008, and we enjoyed it so much, we decided to do it again! Only thing is, since hip-hop is shrinking like options on the infamous healthcare bill– keep trying Obama! — , we’ve decided to add R&B videos to the list too. Shall we begin with you Ms. Ciara? Yes…yes we shall…

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10. Anything by Ciara…but we’ll start with “Love, Sex & Magic”

Oh CiCi, for Christmas we want to buy you an identity but it’s a recession. We understand you’re going the Janet Jackson route — entertain to mask your slim vocal skills — but Janet had creativity! When your style is just a mashup of Beyonce-meets-Atlanta strip club dashed with a bit of RiRi, it gets old quick. For 2010, more dancing, more creativity, less snatch gyrations and dominatrix attempts.

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9) Jay Z/ Kanye/ Rihanna: Run this Town

While the majority of people in the US were suffering from the recession, Jay-Z released “Run This Town” touting the same money, cars and excess that he’s been pushing since 1996, complete with a mediocre video, channeling Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome and the world goes wild.  Maybe we missed something…

*ps. it was really Rihanna ft. Kanye and Jay-Z, in that order. Just saying.

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8.) Beyoncé/ Lady Gaga: Video Phone

Earlier this year, we posted a video clip of a bunch of randoms dancing to this song in a garage. Aforementioned video: a bit bootleg. The choreography: on point.  So much so, we caught ourselves doing some of the moves when “Video Phone” played from time to time. However when the official “Video Phone” video dropped, to say we were disappointed would be an understatement.  Lady Gaga next to Beyoncé was kind of sad after seeing her in the spotlight for most of the year. And next to Bey–she looked like an awkward extra who couldn’t get all the moves.
*ps. Can Beyoncé give us a video in 2010 with full clothing? No more leotards w/ two back-up dancers, please.  That’s so 2009!

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7.) Diddy and Dirty Money: “Angels”
Can ANYONE explain what this video means other than the fact that Diddy just loves him some church references and random models holding bedposts? We have watched this video, repeatedly…help us understand!
*ps. Let’s all give Kalena aka “that other girl” a chance.
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6.) Deuce Poppi: “My White Friends”
We shouldn’t even have to explain, we’ll just let you watch.
*ps. We feel him though!
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5.) Drake, Weezy, Kanye, Eminem: “Forever”

So while we understand the seemingly out of place Lebron James appearance — this is a soundtrack song to his film, More Than A Game — no one understands WHY he’s playing online poker. Plus, between the overkill of lens flares, strobe lights, pyrotechnics and hand gestures, we’re sure someone went into an epileptic seizure midway through. With an all-star line up of Drake, Weezy, Kanye AND Eminem, how did we get such a bad clip that relies on club cliches? SEVERE fail for such a good posse cut.

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4.) Busta Rhymes: “Respect My Conglomerate”

We challenge Busta (& Spliff because you know he’s never too far behind) to actually explain to us what the word “conglomerate” means (jokes). And then we challenge him to explain the Arab guy at the conference table that would probably never do business with about 85% of the people at the rest of the table. AND THEN we challenge him to explain why he used a girl with a British accent for the hook, when he had Englishman Idris Elba at said table who could have done a MUCH better job. Oh wait, Busta made the list last year… we’re not surprised anymore.

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3.) Bangs: “Take You To The Movies”

This might be the “So cold in the D” for 2009. Nuff said.

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2.) Omarion x Gucci Mane: “I Get It In”

The back flips, drum line paraphernalia and curls without weights but…women? Only a song/video like this could render the obligatory Gucci Mane verse pointless. Try again O. We want “Touch.”

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1.) No Idea: “Turn My Fag On”

We mean, really, was there a user-generated video better than this in 2009? Bakes and Steely laughed for one month straight. Having a bad day? “Turn Your Fag On!” While the use of the derogatory word has implications of word adoption, like the “n” word, in the gay community, this gentleman seems to be using it in good fun. We applaud this clip and crown it the best of the worst video of the year. YAY!

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Honorable Mentions:

Beyoncé: “Sweet Dreeams”

For one of the best songs on her album, “I Am…Sasha Fierce,” the video gave us a whole lot of mediocrity. Cheesy outfits, bad 1920s fingerwaves, and outfits hijacked from Tron…sigh. As Bey fans, that was hard to type.

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Drake: “Best I Ever Had”

We blame Kanye. He directed this anti-bra strap video. We loved this song since March, but the busty clip that came in the summer was clearly created for men and lovers of sore nips everywhere. “Uh uh Drake, tell me I’m the best!” No thanks.

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Lil Kim x T-Pain x Charlie Wilson: “Download”

Someone save the little boy in the video for the sake of “future black men of America.”

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Gucci Mane x Plies: “Wasted”

We can’t even front, we find ourselves humming this song just about everyday, but the script supervisor in us just can’t get over the fact that there is air guitar playing but…there is no guitar in the song.

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Anyone Who Releases a Trailer For Their Video…

Seeing that the average video is anywhere from 3-6 minutes long, the need for a trailer, unless Michael Jackson is coming back from the grave to sing the hook and Dilla is on the 1’s and 2’s, is simply unneccesary. Flicks? Yes. Cutting a mini video for a 180 seconds that probably won’t even be that great? Waste of time and money.

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What are YOUR worst videos of 2009? What did we forget?

Last 5 posts by Parlour

  • I am completely upset to be just finding out about Duece Poppi. I enjoyed a few of these videos tho..[ video phone is probably a testosterone teaser *kanye shrug*] but “turn my fag on” ?…im str8 on that…

  • Moochie

    Bangs!!! With the stolen Jada Kiss laugh…