I’m developing Kanye syndrome, I can feel it. When you’re different, true to your heart and don’t look and sound like what is the perceived norm… it’s a fight. You have to be better than everything else in the market and the best at doing what you do to win.
One would think after the bang up month I’ve hadâ€””Miss America” video shoot, interviews, showcasesâ€”that I would be riding on cloud nine but the truth is…right now, I’m not. It’s just the opposite. I’m two seconds away from pulling the covers over my head and sleeping for a month.
I’m going through a moment.
It’s times like these when artists have to fight the hardest and believe the most. When your faith is tested and world goes quiet, when the spotlight disappears. From the outside looking in I know with my logical mind that everything is going well,Â but I feel like a martian on earth. I feel like nobody gets me. A bonafide rockstar on planet hip-hop. I wonder, am I too black, too brown, and yet, still not black enough?
I’m walking the line and sometimes, like now, I briefly lose my balance.
In my defense I always rebound and score. But, I wanted to share this moment with all of you so you can see all the sides to my journey. I’m not all roses all the time. A music career tests your gangsta everyday. It is not made for the faint of heart. Everybody has an opinion, from the suits, to the fans to the critics. Most adore my work, some just respect what I represent, and quite frankly there are some who downright don’t get me and don’t like my brand of creativity. Now keep in mind, I’m an artist I’m sensitive about my shit (word to Erykah), so anything said regarding my craft that is mean spirited and judgmental does hurt my feelings.
Everyone born into this earth is an artist in some way shape or form and at some point we are given a choice to either live as artists or not. Some of us are brave enough and step out on our dreams. We take our soul and offer it to the world to be scrutinized. Every time I express myself, I hold my breath. Knowing that somewhere there is a individual who is waiting for the opportunity to attack my gift.
Thank God for the fans. Patrons of my expression that have gotten me this far. Those of you that appreciate the contributions of my creativity and still give me the opportunity to grow and evolve. The worst thing you can do to an artist is to stifle their ability to express. It’s crazy going through your creative growth under the scrutiny of the public’s sixth senses. But, it’s all a part of what you sign up for when you choose the artists way. Unless your have taken the lashes and blows along your journey, there is no way by the time you”arrive” your skin would be thick enough to withstand the bi-polar relationship a successful artist has with the body politic.
Essentially, the journey will either break your confidence having you retreat into the shadows of anonymity or it will propel you towards becoming your most confident resilient self.
Tonight I will brood and pine over the mountain problems that need solving. I will obsess about how to make amazing things happen with no budget. I will cry because the thought of failure terrifies me. I will long for loving arms to hold me that do not exist…rockstar lonely.
Tomorrow, I will wake up and will myself to shake it off saying my prayers while affirming my faith.Â Love will come, success will come…I just cannot stop walking towards it. I AM MALENE YOUNGLAO. I AM A ROCKSTAR.