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Shopping for Boo’s Christmas Gifts? Try a Pro Blow Job.

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When I signed up for Babeland’s The Art of the Blow Job class, I decided to tell only my closest friends for fear of judgment. After all, it’s not exactly a pottery class. But in my excitement, I ended up telling everyone: my coworkers, my neighbors, and anyone who innocently asked me, ‘How are you?’ The prospect of taking a blow job class made me feel like I was Jessa from Girls.

As it turns out, telling people I was going to learn the ways of the knob was simpler than actually getting there. On the way to class, I can only compare my feelings of nervousness to that of heading to a blind date. In my mind, I anticipated two possible outcomes: fun, safe, and incites future sex, or why did I agreed to go to this “class” in the first place.

When I arrived at Babeland, a man in a black mesh tank top led me to my seat, on top of which lay a banana and a condom. I immediately knew it was going to be a fun night. Every woman who walked into the class met their chair with a faint laugh and feigned surprise. Although no one really knew exactly what we would be doing in this class, we all signed up for a reason.

The two-hour instruction began on the importance of consensual sex, sex education, safety, trust and communication. I listened intently, since it has always been difficult for me to bring up new things with my partner for fear of embarrassment. The teachers introduced an easier way to communicate called the “The Yes, No, or Maybe List,” in which each partner would write “yes,” “no,” or “maybe,” next to a list of possible positions and tactics to try.

The best lesson I learned was the secret to a great blow job is multitasking, which in theory, seems straightforward but in practice, there is a lot to think about. As the instructors explained the different types of hand jobs and blow jobs, I found myself wondering how I was ever going to remember the special names each technique, like “the tootsie roll,” “the harmonica,” and “the cha cha cha.” I realized that the only way I would be able to recall this in the future was to practice on the banana and hope that muscle memory will magically kick in during the real act.

As each woman became more comfortable practicing on her banana, what once was awkward became comic relief. If someone were to peer into the Babeland window, he or she would see one woman wearing a strap-on, another holding a dildo, and thirty more women giggling at bananas wrapped in candy-colored condoms.

I would compare the tips we learned in class to the contents of a woman’s makeup bag—you don’t need to wear all your makeup all the time, but it’s good to have everything just in case. Overall, I think the most effective technique in giving an amazing blow job is to create a fun and safe space where both you and your partner can learn, communicate (and give pleasure) without judgment.

A Parlour How-To:

The Tootsie Roll
Grip his penis like a baseball bat, with one hand at the bottom and one on top. Gently twist your hands back and forth, creating rings around the entire shaft.

The Harmonica
Press your mouth on the sides of the shaft and move up and down like playing a harmonica.

The Cha Cha Cha
Lick anywhere on his penis, following the rhythm of the dance The Cha-Cha – that is, two slow licks followed by three fast licks.  Your rhythm does not have to be exact, but the idea is to vary the length and speed of licks to tease your partner.

Janie Post shares her own life stories and experiences to cultivate well-being and happiness in young women. She studied English at Fordham University and is now discovering happiness in her post-grad life. Contact janiepost@outlook.com.

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