Ain’t No Sex in the City, Let’s Move to the Burbs

Can I keep it real with ya’ll? I will under one condition; you gotta keep it real back. Some of you might get offended but if you stop lying to yourselves long enough, maybe you’ll see my point.

We get married for many reasons including love, companionship and to raise a family. But one of the reasons both men and women really tie the knot, jump the broom or mob deep in city hall is to assure that they don’t have to play the bar scene just to get some ass. But at this point, I have to say it would be ten times easier bedding a complete and total stranger than wifey.

I’m no animal, I’m an understanding dude. Sometimes you may really have a headache or just be too damn tired. Working a 9-5, cooking, cleaning and tending to the kids is a lot to do in a single day. This is why I make sure I work, cook, clean and tend to the kids as well. You know, ‘cause it’s supposed to be 50/50 right?

Anyway, one of my best female friends (non sexual, she’s crazy cute but on some Mint Condition shit “What Kind of Man Would I Be?”) told me that one day she just woke up and was no longer attracted to her baby’s daddy. She said the thought of having sex with him was an absolute turn-off, so she flatly refused each of his requests to do the do. Then she hit him with the “it’s not you, it’s me.” I thought it was pretty funny until my wife hit me with the same line.

I have to keep this shit anonymous so there will be no picture posting, but goddamn it I look good. I’m a Latino kid who has a face for TV, but not a Reggaeton face. Who the fuck shaves their eyebrows anyway? But when it comes to sex, I aims to please in whatever way necessary. I’m not saying this to brag, but if she doesn’t want me then who does she want? When it comes to ex’s, I haven’t had any complaints. You have to be a total lame for a woman to tell you that you suck in the sack, so I’m pretty confident in my love-making abilities.

Also, you have to understand that being turned down repeatedly for sex by your own wife can definitely damage your ego. I’ve got self-respect and having to beg for it is just plain wrong. Pity sex is the worst. I’d rather jerk off.

Funny thing is, I don’t believe it’s me. I’m not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but shit I bring A LOT to the table. So why are we on some Dru Hill shit (“We’re Not Making Love No More,” for all you youngins’)?

–Al “Brooklyn” Bundy

Currently listening to: Scarface + “Girl You Know”


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