The following conversation is culled from several experiences. Be sure to read to yourself or others in a whisper…a sexy whisper, regardless of the context or intent of the words.
Scene: Dimly lit Bedroom
Time: anytime between 12am – 6am
Who: Jump off couple engaging in foreplay and sex (use your own imaginations)
Him: You miss me?
Her: A little.
Him: Well, show me how much you miss me.
Her: Oh you want me to show you. You always want me to show you.
Him: Your visuals are the best. You are detailed and a team player. I like that.
Her: I don’t play sports.
Him: You sure do play with my balls.
Him: Nah, I’m just playing. I love the way you do it. You’re def top 3.
Her: You shaved?
Him: Uhh. Nah, I just trimmed it. Wanted to try something new.
Her: Mmm, no. Let go of my head.
…60 seconds later…
Her: Mmmm. Hold on let me get some water. My tongue is going numb. Did you spray something down there?
Him: Oh yeah, after the gym. I showered and sprayed some AXE.
…2 mins later…
Him: Come here. Turn around. No, not like that. Arch your back more.
Her: Like this?
Her: Alright already with all these instructions. Let’s go!
…30 seconds later…
Him: Who’s [juice box] is this?
Her: I don’t know.
Him: Really? Is it mine?
Her: You don’t want this no way. Cause if you did you would have hit me back after I called you last week.
…40 seconds later…
Him: Get on top. I want to see that fat ass, bitch.
Her: Hold up. No name calling.
Him: Why you are you so uncooperative? Such a bad girl.
Her: Um, what am I four?
Him: Sorry. Just that you make me get carried away. Will you get on top though?
Her: Ok, I’ll try but I’ve been working out and my thighs hurt.
Him: Just try.
Her: Ok but you have to hold my butt. Gotta brace myself.
Him: Forget it. Come here, get on your back.
…15 seconds later…
Phone rings on night stand
Her: You want to get that?
Him: Not when I’m getting this.
Her: You sure? You can get it. I mean you not my man or anything. I know you fucking other bitches.
Him: Shhh…I’m about to cum.
Her: Did you just tell me to “Shhh”?
For those of you perplexed by this post, wondering â€œWhatâ€™s the point?â€:
This column is about the awkwardness we have been reduced to by the all too common sex with a partner we arenâ€™t emotionally or mentally linked to. Itâ€™s about the dumb shit we say and do to fuck up the mood. When you are single you find that these episodes happen more than you care to count.
Itâ€™s a sad state of affairs in bedroomâ€™s across America!
â€”Says the Single Girl
Like Says the Single Girl? Bravely read the rest of her dating tips here.
image via the NYT
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