…Says the Single Girl: (Bad) Pillow Talk


The following conversation is culled from several experiences. Be sure to read to yourself or others in a whisper…a sexy whisper, regardless of the context or intent of the words.

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Scene: Dimly lit Bedroom

Time: anytime between 12am – 6am

Who: Jump off couple engaging in foreplay and sex (use your own imaginations)

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Him: You miss me?

Her: A little.

Him: Well, show me how much you miss me.

Her: Oh you want me to show you. You always want me to show you.

Him: Your visuals are the best. You are detailed and a team player. I like that.

Her: I don’t play sports.

Him: You sure do play with my balls.

Her: Whatever.

Him: Nah, I’m just playing. I love the way you do it. You’re def top 3.

(Silence)

Her: You shaved?

Him: Uhh. Nah, I just trimmed it. Wanted to try something new.

Her: Mmm, no. Let go of my head.

…60 seconds later…

Her: Mmmm. Hold on let me get some water. My tongue is going numb. Did you spray something down there?

Him: Oh yeah, after the gym. I showered and sprayed some AXE.

…2 mins later…

Him: Come here. Turn around. No, not like that. Arch your back more.

Her: Like this?

Him: Lower.

Her: Alright already with all these instructions. Let’s go!

…30 seconds later…

Him: Who’s [juice box] is this?

Her: I don’t know.

Him: Really? Is it mine?

Her: Maybe.

Him: May…Be?

Her: You don’t want this no way. Cause if you did you would have hit me back after I called you last week.

…40 seconds later…

Him: Get on top. I want to see that fat ass, bitch.

Her: Hold up. No name calling.

Him: Why you are you so uncooperative? Such a bad girl.

Her: Um, what am I four?

Him: Sorry. Just that you make me get carried away. Will you get on top though?

Her: Ok, I’ll try but I’ve been working out and my thighs hurt.

Him: Just try.

Her: Ok but you have to hold my butt. Gotta brace myself.

Him: Forget it. Come here, get on your back.

…15 seconds later…

Phone rings on night stand

Her: You want to get that?

Him: Not when I’m getting this.

Her: You sure? You can get it. I mean you not my man or anything. I know you fucking other bitches.

Him: Shhh…I’m about to cum.

Her: Did you just tell me to “Shhh”?

THE END

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For those of you perplexed by this post, wondering “What’s the point?”:

This column is about the awkwardness we have been reduced to by the all too common sex with a partner we aren’t emotionally or mentally linked to. It’s about the dumb shit we say and do to fuck up the mood. When you are single you find that these episodes happen more than you care to count.

It’s a sad state of affairs in bedroom’s across America!

—Says the Single Girl

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image via the NYT

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