…Says the Single Girl: Give Him Up, Turn Him Loose

Dear Single Girl –

I had a really big insecurity with the guy I’m dating—his ex-girlfriend. I wanted her out of the picture. At first I used the faults of his ex to send him emails telling him she wasn’t shit. Then after about three months, my insecurities got the best of me again, and I read emails in his phone and one day sent her an email that was really meant for him.

I know both of those things were very, very wrong. But I felt like what he was telling me and what she was saying wasn’t the same message.

I really love this man, and wanted to have him all to myself and wanted her out of the picture.

However, prior and throughout the courtship he and I grew close. Very close. And I treat him like a king. And he knows it. Except for this thing that I just couldn’t let go of. All of my issues with him were only about his relationship with his ex. He just couldn’t understand why it bothered me so much. But I felt like with her out of the picture, he and I could really focus on our friendship, and possibly turning it into more.

After that last stint, he’s stopped speaking to me. He told me that I have to let him come to me now.

I know he cares a great deal for me, and he knows I feel the same way. I’m miserable without him. He means the world to me and I just want the opportunity to show him I am a great woman and I have gotten over my insecurity.

Here are some more details:

– We were dating for 5 months

– Turns out he was in a relationship when we met. But he didn’t tell me that until about three weeks after.

– She wasn’t the girlfriend when I sent the email. However I do believe she was trying hard to get back with him. (I have several email correspondences that prove as such. Her MySpace page song was ‘Need U Bad’ by Jazmine Sullivan)

– I do believe we can have a healthy relationship after this. Because he has never been 100% honest with me, thus we both have some growing to do. I know we have the foundation to grow from our mistakes. And I’d rather grow with him, than without him. We have never given ourselves a real chance at a relationship without the distraction of his ex. His ex has been there from day one.


I really want to send you the emails that went on between the two of them. Which I just so happened to read, because yes I broke into his phone.

My question is how long would you wait?

— Insanely in Love

Dear Insane –

I could take this time to point out all of the extra crazy shit you did (breaking into e-mail accounts, challenging the ex who has history on her side, stalking her MySpace page, etc) but I’ll let the Parlour Fam pick apart the details.

Here is my advice:

Move On (before someone calls the police).

Ok, ok maybe I’ll say a little bit more because I (like most people) have been in a position where you feel you are the better candidate and you want to show them. But sometimes showing and slaving and becoming a doormat still won’t win you the person’s heart and mind. You can win one or the other but both; that’s a great feat.

It sounds like you started in a good place and things went wrong and instead of you seeing the red flags (his being in a relationship!) and taking a step back, you charged ahead like George W. Bush in Iraq. Look at how that turned out for him.

As women we need to understand that having the best face, body, cooking, head game, juice box, etc doesn’t mean you are shoe in for the No. 1 spot.

I’ll end on this:

A woman can learn to love a man.

A man can’t learn to love a woman. Either he loves you and wants to be with you, or he doesn’t. Once his mind is made up there is no changing it.

— Says the Single Girl

Do you have a story to tell or a question for Single Girl?

You can reach her directly at SingleGirlNotes@gmail.com. Don’t be shy!

Bravely read the rest of her dating tips here.

PS: Steely D and En Vogue say “Give It Up, Turn It Loose”

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