I have dated it all in New York.
No really, I have.
I don’t think my problem is self esteem based or bad luck. I just have really, incredibly bad taste. It isn’t misjudgment, it’s conscious really foul taste in dudes. If I like you, you need to go home and reassess your life status and the maybe consider throwing yourself out your 1st floor studio.
I dated a scientist who told me the feelings he had were a result of an oxytocin overdose. “That time I told you I loved you? I meant like a sister!”
I dated a mentally unstable person from the islands who sent me red roses as condolence flowers for my grandma’s funeral Red is the color of death?
I dated a guy who stole my bag of paprika and then avoided me on IM for a month until one day he came clean about stealing my spices. Well the real question was, what was I doing with so much paprika? Making goulash?
I have dated guys with extremely dubious political opinions that included a non belief in global warming. I did work for a liberal politician once.
Recently dated a guy who sent my panties back to me by mail.
We decided to end things during Christmas while I was away. While we parted ways not on the most amicable of terms, it would not be considered the least bit acrimonious either.
I fly back to New York and text him in the hopes he won’t dump some things I still had at his place and he replies: “OK it’s here, waiting for you to pick up”
Five days later, I get one pair of panties back in bubble wrap envelop with no return address, no note…just my panties and one tiny sticky-note: “clean.” CLEAN DOT. CLEAN PERIOD. CLEAN. The stamps lead me to believe this was brought to the post office- WHO DOES THAT? Who has the time to stand in line to mail me back one pair of panties? WHAT IF MY PANTIES GOT LOST IN THE MAIL?
Apparently, the East Village is the new Orient, far and distant.
I don’t know what the lesson in that package was but I know there has to be one. There has to be. It’s just too awesome a package to contain just my frilly panties and not some God given lesson about being a little bit more picky with who I spend my time and energy on.
I have friends who have thrown cakes, slashed car tires, gotten stalked, dated alcoholics, workaholics, jockaholics but I am the only one of everyone who has ever gotten her panties sent back by mail. I WIN!
ps: If you’re reading, please wash and send my socks back too
psx2: No my bum isn’t that big! They’re just ruffly!
tSUnami is a Parlourista like no other. This Chinese born, Canada raised (eh!) fried chicken aficionado is one of the funniest women on the planet with probably one of the best collections of boots and bags ever. Look out for more from her pretty soon!
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