I said I wasn’t going to write about this. Amelda (& Parlour) isn’t a gossip blog and I don’t want to dabble in rumors, but I have to address this subject.
Much like the rest of the free world, I’ve been obsessively following news, blogs and any mention of the “Chrianna” domestic violence saga that’s dominated all media for the last week and change. I have an idea of what I think happened but it’s all speculation so I’ll save it. But I’ll stick with what seems to be confirmed: Chris Brown struck Rihanna.
I’ve been mostly appalled by the reactions to it, especially those of Black women. Combing through the comments on TheYBF.com (one of the main blogs following the events) I came across the following comments–all by women– which I’ve divided into four dominant categories, beginning with:
Blaming the victim
“Why is he the only one getting blamed?? SHE could of prevented this whole thing, if she would have minded her business…I thought they were broken up, so whether or not another woman was texting him, or he was flirting, it shouldn’t be her concern. I don’t condone domestic violence, but I believe she put herself in this situation. This wasn’t a domestic situation, it was clearly a FIGHT between two people and one lost.”
“He hit her. I’m sure she hit him first. What else has SHE done to make him snap like that? Sorry but Little Miss Sunshine is not blameless in all this. If she wasn’t beating his ass first, then he wouldn’t have knocked her the hell out.”
“Have u seen Rihanna during last Halloween with her BF?
Have u seen her tour outfits?
Have you seen how many times the 20 year old wear skirt a year?
I didn’t say that she is a slut, but she dress like one. You can take any pics/vids of Rih with paparazzi, she never talks to them nor smile. Don’t mean she is not sweet but I don’t live with her. I can judge only her public personality! FOR ME, RIH IS THE KIND OF GIRL WHO CAN MAKE A “GOOD BOY BECOME BAD. Sorry, but it’s just my opinion.”
“If Chris Brown is wrong but didn’t actually sock her or hit her, then Rihanna needs to stop trying to ruin this boy’s life. That vindictiveness is on her conscience and that kind of triflin-ness never adds up to being a quality sista’ in the long run.”
“I’m somewhat convinced by the reports that Rihanna is very clingy and a little controlling. Also, a very young/immature look on her part. I’m inclined to believe that some women are not grounded enough in themselves to be balanced in relationships and especially when relationships are ending. We know some women can get down right triflin’ and vindictive.”
Giving passes to bitchassness
“He shouldn’t have hit her, but he did for whatever reason…yea he put her in the hospital, but she wasn’t on her death bed… protesting to put someone in jail all depends on the situation, and in this situation, no jail time is needed.”
“I take offense at calling this Domestic Violence and putting Rhianna in the category of victims when you have no evidence of her being a victim…You weaken the strength of those who actually suffer from domestic violence by taking incidents like this where apparently there is no evidence of an assault (just going by the charges) and lumping it in with actual DV situations.”
“I think they were FIGHTING each other, and she CLEARLY lost.. a man being stronger than a woman doesn’t mean shit to me…” BOTTOM LINE: if you don’t wanna fight, don’t hit me... this double standard has got to STOP… b/c if it was the other way around no one would make it a big deal…”
“Strong or not, it shouldn’t be ok for a man to have to “always just walk away”…
Perpetuating all out ignorance
A majority of Black women are strong-minded and will not take any mess from a man. I am a black women and if I caught my man cheating or suspected he was I would physically attack him. I am only being honest. What some people feel is black women accepting domestic violence from a man is just the opposite. Many of the black women I know would throw the first blow.
Also from TMZ:
This one is of the reasons, why I’ve never dated intra-racially. And never will! [Black men] are too violent, uneducated, childish, never want to get married, have multiple out of wedlock kids, etc. You name it. I will never let some man beat up on me, like some of these chicks. I want a white, Asian, or Latino man.
“THE BOY IS 19, READ IMMATURE AND INEXPERIENCED, HE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE. WHY DO WE NEED TO EXPLOIT THIS UNFORTUNATE SITUATION!! WE HAVE ALL BEEN AT ONE TIME IN A SIMILAR SITUATION..SO WE KNOW HOW IT CAN GO THERE…”
“I am a victim of abuse… Ladies, if she stays with him IT IS HER decision and I see NOTHING wrong with it. “
“BUT [CB] THOUGHT WRONGLY THAT THIS FOOL WOULD BE INTELLIGENT ENOUGH TO CARE MORE ABOUT HER MILLIONS THAN THAT STUPID LITTLE SHOVING MATCH. THAT’S A DUMB CARIBBEAN 4 U.”
And (finally) a few voices of reason
“A real man when confronted with an unhealthy relationship will walk away before it gets to the point where he is going to cause physical harm to a woman. The problem is that young people seem to think these over emotional outbursts be it from a male or a female are signs of love. They are not signs of love, they are signs of trouble.”
“He HIT A WOMAN. It does NOT matter what she did or said. There is no reason for him to put his hand on her. “
“What is it with black women and defending weak men? OJ, Tyson, R. Kelly—all men who were so obviously guilty yet Black women tend to to blame the woman? WTF? SERIOUSLY… As a Black woman I am ashamed, so ashamed of you all.”
“CHRIS BROWN HIT RIHANNA and not only did her hit her but his punk ass RAN like a little bitch- fled the crime scene just like Juanita Bynums husband (minister Weekes). HOW WEAK and bitchass is this dude? This is the ultimate act of BITCHASSNESS to the fullest. It’s just sick!. It’s weak… weak weak weak.”
“It’s not an innocent mistake, its decisive, it’s violent and when you see it happen you realize it can ONLY get to that level because that person has lost touch with right and wrong. They have let it go & redefined it… even if they feel sorry later on, it’s true. I mean, not every victim of Dom Abuse was cheating, a raging bitch or a liar. Some of them just cooked the wrong meal, wore the wrong skirt, or got a little too ‘lippy’.”
“What he did is an act of hate against women. So, all you women, please, wake up! We should not endorse, by any means any Chris Brown goods or services. By not endorsing it, we are standing for something as females. After all, if we don’t care about each other then who will, a man? A wife beating man? A man who abuses his daughters ? A man who sleeps with his wife’s best friend? Ladies, what kind of men are we supporting? Let’s make this small step in the direction of Love. By Love, I mean a complete respect for self. You respect yourself so much that you realize that you are so much better than some of the options that come your way. Let’s lead our daughters, sisters, friends and the community by example. We no longer support men who behave like Brown.
It should be obvious where I stand on the issue by the subheadings, but please, allow me to have my (direct) say:
I don’t even feel old enough to say, “in my day,” but the way I came up, there was no valid excuse for a man to hit a woman. Defend himself? Of course he should push her off. Pull a woman off someone else who’s getting beat? By all means. But to strike her? EVEN IF SHE HIT HIM, that was left to weak ass men. Real men walk away.
There is no justifying Chris Brown’s actions. He put his hands on a woman in anger. That is NEVER acceptable. I don’t care if she’s not dead or dying, or even if he hit her, but it didn’t leave a bruise. Or even if he “just” choked or shoved her. There is no valid reason for a man to hit you or any other woman. EVER. As a matter of fact, there is no reason you should feel threatened or afraid.
If a man hits you, it is WRONG. PERIOD.
A man who loves you, will not put his hands on you in anger. Even if he agrees to counseling, let him demonstrate his changed self with the chick after you.
One hit is one too many.
And the ignorance being perpetuated by this whole thing? Lord, Black men are no-good abusers again, Black women are proudly throwing the first punch, and this whole nonsense Carribbean vs. African-American fight has been re-ignited. Oh, and getting hit has happened to us all. Really, people? We MUST do better.
Getting hit by a man (or anyone for that matter) is not normal. We have NOT all been there. (The other nonsense is just too stupid to address.)
Bottomline: If you’re being hit, leave.
Want more Amelda in your life? Check out all of her musings on life & love here.
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