Parlour Intervention: Rick “Correctional Officer” Ross

rick ross

Dear Rick,

I’m torn. Like I told your Def Jam marketing staff last week- you have hits. Songs that I actually want to listen to (even though that ascot…LOL!). This is a good – OK, a great – thing (the music, not the ascot). However when you say this to XXL:

“Me not answering or addressing that situation has nothing to do with my career. I’ve accomplished enough, and I’ve made enough money for me to be good…Yes, it was me in those pictures. But I’ma tell you this. Me taking that job, I was doing my job. You understand what I mean?”

WTF? No Rick- I don’t know what you mean.

Plus your child’s mother Tia says you don’t nearly have the dough you rap about, and she looks like the type to quiet down if you pay her enough hush money. And, you’re only on your third album dude…you have NOT accomplished enough- obviously because you’re still making records and owe more to Def Jam. And those pictures clearly have EVERYTHING to do with your career!

Like any savvy school bully or Hollywood socialite faced with a rumor wicked enough to ruin their entire lives, the accused party must speak out strategically and unequivocally ASAP. Be proactive  fast. That way, no one can bring the situation up later because you’ve already addressed it and set the record straight in your own voice. Silence only cranks up the rumor mill. Plus, you lost once we all saw the pictures of you shaking hands with your correctional superiors and smiling into the camera in that C.O. suit. Sigh.

Still, I am a confused rap fan because while I don’t believe anything you say, I still like your first two albums. I remember when I first heard “Hustlin'” and thought ‘damn, this song is crazy!’ However, my advice to you now Officer Ricky? Make hits. Lots so them. So many that I forget that you were a C.O., that you lied to my face about being a C.O. and hired goons to beat up DJ Vlad for outing you…take that R.Kelly approach. Light that “Ignition”* baby.**

Sincerely hoping you don’t fuck it up,

Steely D

* don’t act like you didn’t like “Ignition” when it came out after you’d JUST watched Kelly’s sex tape/ mixtape with all those girls. You wanted to hate him…but the song was just too good! Damn you Robert! Damn you!

**though now, when Kelly’s quoted saying things like “What do you mean by teenaged?” — I’m off the wagon for good I’m thinking.

***though that last album that leak, TP2 or whatever, was kinda hot fire. DOH!

****See what I’m saying Rick? Heed my words brother of the law…

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