Don’t Panic: Damien Hirst and the IMF Save Ukraine

It’s doomsday terrifying to think that a country as desperately poor as Ukraine has the stuff to make nuclear weapons just lying around. Just last week it was reported that two businessmen and a local government official were caught trying to sell highly radioactive material–plutonium-239–for the bargain price of $10 million. So each person only ends up with $3.3 million for giving some nefarious group the ability to make a nuclear bomb. Sell! Outs!

As soon as I read that news, I thought, ‘IMF, you better throw that country a bailout.’ Pump Ukraine full of cash. Anything to bring economic stability to the people so they don’t go selling atomic bombs to feed their families and take a cruise. Luckily the IMF and I are on the same page. A loan just went through for $2.8 billion. (I may not be Rachel Weisz in The Constant Gardener just yet, but I want to know what strings come attached to that loan? We’ll answer that next time.)

Also, Damien Hirst, realizing that he no longer has fancy-pants bankers retarded enough to buy his GDP-priced pickled shark art is turning his heart strings and attention on Kyiv, the capital of Ukraine. Hirst is opening the largest single show of his career in downtown Kyiv, at the Pinchuk Art Center. “The richest living artist to date,” according to my best friend, Wikipedia, will be showing over 100 works, made between 1990 and 2008. The exhibit, ‘Requiem’, opens April 25th and runs through September 20th. So does this mean that Damien Hirst has a conscious? Is he trying to bring exposure to the country to boost its tourist industry?

Hirst claims he wants to introduce Ukrainians to modern art, that they haven’t had a lot of exposure to the overpriced stuff he sells. I got to see a great De Goya exhibit in Kyiv and first discovered the slow, sexy music of Carla Bruni from a roommate while living in Kyiv. And yes, the city has hipsters, street-performing breakdancers, and a raging gay club scene, so I don’t think it needs the hype Hirst is selling. But if it can give the local economy a boost, then thank you for your altruism, Mr. Hirst. Please don’t pick up any radioactive junk while you’re there, you freaky deaky.

The man will justify anything as art, even soak a shark in formaldehyde. I think it would be awesome, as an art project, if he could just go around buying up all the left over plutonium-239, from the Cold War. Call it Cleansing. If he filmed himself going around the country, in a loaned Maserati doing it, I would pay $19.99 for that DVD. Even the fact that Hirst is selling a piece of himself (the DVD) for so cheap would be a commentary on the state we’re in, thus, art. So do it! Do it! If any single person is freaky enough to rid a former Soviet country of its nuclear waste, its Hirst. What else does he have to do? There isn’t a market to buy his art. You’re stuck with the people, Damien. Continue to act accordingly.


Assholes selling radioactive material

IMF Loan to Ukraine

Damien Hirst in Kyiv


See the rest of her work here…

image via nonfamous

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