…Says the Single Girl: Dickmatized

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There is only one thing that I know can make a woman cut her hair, lose or gain crazy weight or insist folks call her by a new name she picked from a fortune cookie wrapper – dick.

I’m not talking regular d.i.. I’m talking the equivalent of California kush or hydro kinda magic stick.

Look over the course of history. While women have proven to be strong, leaders and rationale all coolness escapes once they’ve been turned out by a man who has managed to eff them so good they start to lose brain cells.

Cleopatra killed herself.

Monica Lewinsky kept a souvenir.

The Astronaut bitch drove for hours and pissed in diapers.

Lauyrn Hill…need I say more?

And the newest attention to the juicy got ’em crazy crew is…Cassie.

For the last two years Cassie has been getting dicked down by Diddy. She’s been forced to keep it a secret. She’s probably being turned out and mind fucked by his egomaniacal ways. The child even released a song about it (“Official Girl”).

Recently, the beauty shaved her head. Not the whole head, just half. I guess to show she’s only half crazy.

Believe or not, this happens more often than not.

You can be dickmatized and be happy as well as sad.

When you’re happy your skin glows, you have a hop in your step and hear the birds sing, even if its night.

When you’re sad, you act out, become withdrawn and depressed. Wanting more than what you’re getting yet you don’t want to take the risk of losing all of your d-game access by bitching and complaining too much.

I love to tell the story of a girlfriend who was seriously dickmatized by a dude. None of her friends understood why she was with him but they assumed it was the way he laid it down.

It’s his birthday and she decides to throw him a party. However, there was a catch. Over the couple months they’d been dating, he never made it a point to introduce her to his friends. They were, themselves, planning a party for their homie. She decides to attach herself to what was essentially a group of his male friends kicking it at a bar/lounge. She insists her girls come to her man’s party.

Her girls get there. Its dead! 20 mins in, her man and his friends are slipping out the front door. She catches wind. Runs to the back kitchen to come out with a huge cake to try to get him to stay.

Doesn’t work.

The girls, seeing their dear friend slipping, decide to leave as well and take her with them. Her man and his friends hop in a cab. She, still holding the cake, insists that they drive behind the guys.

At a red light, she rolls her window down and starts begging this man not to leave her. They exchange words and as the light turns green she hops out, drops the cake in the street and jumps in the already full cab.

That must have been some voodoo if I do say so myself.

PSA: Dickmatization is an epidemic. It claims the sanity of millions of women each year. If you or someone you know is caught up please ask for help.


Bravely read the rest of her dating tips for Parlouristas here. Do you have a story to tell or a question for Single Girl? You can reach her directly at SingleGirlNotes@gmail.com. Don’t be shy!

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