Two Saturdays ago we had the 54th Eurovision Song Contest. It’s where every country in Europe battles it out for the winning song. It’s one of Europe’s most watched shows, about 100 million tune in every year. This year it was held in Russia, because they were last years winners. So anyway, we Brits don’t really take the competition that seriously really… mostly cos the other European acts are AWFUL. I mean really crap. So crap, it’s hilarious. Which is why we tune in every year.
Our entry was Jade Ewen — that’s her in the picture. And this year she managed to get us to number 5… Yay! I mean, I know we didn’t win — but for the last 7 years we’ve featured somewhere near the bottom and the last time we won was in 1997. Mostly because everyone in Europe hates us, and it’s tends to involved political voting. E.g.Â countries in Eastern Europe vote for each other, or for their nearest neighbours. We’re like a secluded island all by ourselves and no-one loves us. Sob sob.
Because we find the whole thing moorishly ludicrous, the other Europeans reckon we don’t take it seriously enough. Another reason why they never vote for us. So we went on the charm offensive, got Andrew Lloyd Webber and US Grammy Award winning lyricist Diane Warren to write the track — and sent Jade on a PR whirlwind. She was by far the BEST performance of the night…. Trust me I watched the entire 3-hour programme.
But the fact we came 5th rather than last (which we have done before), shows we’re “mending bridges”. Yawn.Â All we really care about is watching what is probably the worst Euro-pop songs every written, the worst outfits ever sewn, the oddest hairstyles, and more sequins than a human being should see in a lifetime. Love it!
So here’s our entry Jade:
The 2009 Eurovision winner Alexander Rybak of Norway. I dare you not to laugh at the awfulness!
And finally the German entrant: Alex Swings Oscar Sings. They somehow managed to coerce Dita Von Teese into taking part. Poor thing, they must have paid her one fat wad of cash. She probably woke up with one stonking headache. Then again she probably boozed beforehand to pre-empt the trauma.
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