You Can’t Change Him

picture-4Women tend to be illogical optimists when it comes to men. When we like a guy, we quickly lose sight of the forest. We begin to think, “Once he sees how good we are together, he’ll want to change to make it work.” And while some guys may actually want to become a better man to suit the woman they love, most guys would rather find a woman who will accept them and their defects. Whatever your guy’s issue is—fear of commitment, arrogance, possessiveness, partying too much—he’s only going to change if he wants to; you have no say in the matter. So before you invest a lot of time and emotional energy into a guy who would be great if he’d just “fill in the blank,” you’d better be sure you can deal with him just the way he is.
The thing that most women think they can change in a man is his resistance to commitment. Picture it: You and your guy are attracted to each other, you enjoy spending time together, you have a lot in common, you even have the same long-term goals. He tells you early on that he’s not looking for a relationship, but you think, “He says that now, but he’d have to be crazy not to see that we’re perfect for each other.” Well, crazy or not, he meant what he said. And I’d question your sanity if you didn’t take it to heart. Men don’t lie about not wanting relationships; where would that get them? And if you take my
advice, and save sex for after a commitment is established, your guy won’t have a reason to string you along when he doesn’t want a relationship. If you’re looking to settle down and you meet an otherwise great guy who isn’t, don’t waste your time thinking you can change his mind. Consider yourself lucky for knowing the truth and keep it moving.

I’m always baffled when I hear a woman complaining about her boyfriend’s or husband’s issues—issues the guy had when she met him. Unless your guy became a mama’s boy or a pathological liar after you two got together, you have no one to blame but yourself. The problem starts when you’re dating a guy, discover that he has some questionable tendencies, and you convince yourself that you can get the guy to change. If your guy is really bad with money or has a violent temper, chances are he’ll always be that way and if you pursue a future with him you’d better be able to live with it. Maybe your guy knows he has issues and says he wants to change, but I wouldn’t believe it ‘til I saw it.

When it comes to small things like your individual pet peeves, the idea of changing a guy takes on a different meaning. Your guy leaving the toilet seat up or chewing with his mouth open shouldn’t be a deal-breaker, but his reaction, when you gently ask him to compromise and do the closed-mouth-chew when in public, can be telling. Lasting relationships are sustained with compromise. No guy wants to be nagged, but if the woman he cares about asks him to do (or not do) something that isn’t a major undertaking for him, but will make her happy, he should be willing to oblige—and it goes both ways. But you probably wouldn’t break up with a man because of poor table etiquette anyway. The bigger issues that can make or break a relationship are the things that really must be considered. You have to ask yourself if you’d be happy in a long-term relationship with your guy if he never changed a thing—because chances are you won’t be able to change him unless, of course, he’s wearing a diaper.

If your expectations are reasonable, but your man isn’t measuring up, you’d do yourself a favor to let him go. You may be anxious to find “Mr. Right,” but the last thing you want is to settle for “Mr. Good Enough” out of desperation or unfounded hope and end up regretting it later. You’re better off waiting for a guy who is already where you need him to be instead of living in misery while you endlessly hope, to no avail, that some flawed guy will get it together.

With Love,

Hitched Chick

Last 5 posts by Hitched Chick