Play in Your League


I have a question for those of you who aren’t having much luck finding a man: Are you checkin’ for guys who are checkin’ for you? Dialing your standards to the appropriate level will eliminate a lot of frustration when it comes to dating. There are good guys out there, but you have to objectively evaluate yourself to know which ones you should bother pursuing. There’s no reason to scrimp on the important inner qualities of a man no matter what your stats are, but if you keep it funky with yourself, you may have to face the fact that the tall glass of water you’re lusting after will never ask you for your number—the chubby, average-looking guy you just shot down is the best you’re gonna do.

Men are extremely visual in nature; they are far less forgiving about the looks of a potential mate than we are. Women want to be sexually attracted to their man and it’s an important component of a relationship, but we have the ability to develop an attraction to a guy when we like his personality and potential. Men do not operate this way. If a guy isn’t physically attracted to you the first time he meets you, it’s not going to happen. Guys have different priorities than we do when it comes to selecting a mate. They aren’t concerned with finding a wife who can provide for a family or whose level of education affords her upward mobility. They do care that a woman is interesting and sweet and smart and that the very sight of her makes them want to jump her bones. Of course every man has different tastes regarding the personality and physical appearance of a woman and that’s good news because as they say, “there’s someone for everyone.” But that also means that you have to figure out who your someone is and stop dreaming about men who want someone who looks like a Barbie doll.

Because men are often the ones doing the pursuing, most of them have honed the skill of determining which women are in their league and which ones aren’t (save a few bold gremlins who never stop no matter how many women cut them off at the knees). This means that the guys who approach you are often a better measure of the reaches of your league than you may be. You might have your eye on the sexy guy in the corner, but is he coming to talk to you? Of the men that do approach you, don’t be so quick to shoot down the ones who don’t look the way you’d hope. There are probably a few nice guys among them, some that you could possibly develop an attraction to.

Even the most gorgeous women sometimes forgo looks for other qualities that they find more important in a man. In the same way, some men, if they’re able because of their own looks or income, will sacrifice substance to snag a piece of arm candy that will validate them in the way that a fancy car would. Everyone has to make some concessions. It’s likely that you won’t nab a man who has everything you ever wanted, so you have to decide what your priorities are and then figure out how you can leverage what you’re workin’ with to get as close to your ideal as possible. Forgoing looks may be more of a necessity than a choice for you to find a good man, but it’s not the end of the world. If you’re an average looking woman, you may not be able to pull the Idris’s of the world, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have what it takes to find a loving and supportive man who can provide for his family. The idea is to recognize this fact and direct your focus toward good guys who can appreciate you.

Please note that some men can be shallow assholes and they will have sex with a woman they don’t find particularly attractive if she gives off an air of “I’m vulnerable and I’ll have sex with you if you make minimal effort.” If you fall into this category, don’t be flattered or fooled by the guy’s advances. Just know that as soon as the more attractive woman he’s pursuing starts giving it up, you’ll be history. We all know women who have been in this position—the guy never takes her out and only calls when he wants her to “come over.” It always ends badly and could have been completely avoided if the woman would have been smarter and didn’t allow herself to be blinded by the fact that an attractive guy expressed interest in her.

Looks aren’t everything, not even to a man. But it’s important to understand that typically, men place an undue amount of value on physical appearance. They won’t resign the idea of finding a woman who’s at least as attractive as they are, if not more when they can swing it. So, if guys aren’t drooling over you, you may have to let go of the hope of snagging a “fine” guy and employ your ability to develop attraction to a man who has other redeeming qualities. How does the saying go? “The best things come in the most average-looking packages”? Well, something like that…

With love,

Hitched Chick

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