Stop Asking Your Single Girls for Advice


Let me preface this post by stating that advice of any kind shouldn’t be deemed good or bad solely based on its source. People on any side of any issue may be able to offer valuable input. And no matter who’s dishing out the advice, you should always eat the meat and spit out the bone (how to differentiate the two depends on your situation). Generally speaking, though, wise people seek advice from those who are where they want to be. If you’re single, livin’ it up, and have no desire to settle down, asking your single-and-lovin’-it girls for guidance makes perfect sense. But if you’re ready for a serious relationship, asking your single girlfriends for advice about how to make that happen is like asking Stevie Wonder to teach you how to fly a plane.

Singledom, of course, is not a curse; it’s full of perks—not the least of which is the freedom to do whatever you want whenever you want. But many women, at some point, find themselves wanting more from their relationships with men. They want the sense of security and comfort that only a long-term commitment or marriage can offer. Navigating the often high expectations of commitment-minded men (or men who are open to a commitment if they find the “right” woman) can be mind-bending. A married woman is better equipped to provide you with a road map for such an odyssey if you need one. Not only has she taken the steps you might need to take, but her husband (and sometimes her husband’s friends) will often bless her with insider knowledge that guys don’t usually expose to women they’re just dating.

Your married girlfriend whose husband beats her is not a good source of advice (remember: people who are where you want to be). Focus on the friends who found good men and are in happy relationships. Of your happily married friends, you’ve probably figured out who still knows what’s up and who doesn’t. Your young, married friends who enjoy kickin’ it with their single peeps are your most obvious source of counsel. But don’t disregard everything your been-married-fifteen-years-and only-hangs-out-with-other-married-people aunt has to say. Modern, marriage-minded men have a lot more in common with their age-old counterparts than you may know. Some of your out-of-the-loop married family or friends still have a thing or two they could teach you.

Truthfully, some of the best advice a commitment-minded woman can get will come from her commitment-minded guy friends (i.e. those who are married, in committed relationships, or want to be). They can tell you firsthand what this caliber of men is thinking.

It’s true that every relationship is as different as the people in them. The process of finding a good man and cultivating a happy, long-lasting relationship is far too complex for any offering of advice to address completely. With every bit of guidance you get, you must infuse your knowledge of the nuances that make you, your guy, and your relationship unique. And with all of this in mind, you should also understand that there are some things most men simply have in common—and this list of things becomes even more specific among men who are inclined to settling down. If you’re ready to get out of the game, having knowledge of these things and a plan for how to maneuver them can’t hurt. And, of course, if you need advice along the way, who can offer better advice than someone who is where you want to be?

With Love,

Hitched Chick

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