Alone in a Crowded Room

My closest friends will tell you… I frequently head-trip and what I’m tripping on lately has been being lonely vs. being alone.  It seems as though I’m always surrounded by tons of people, but when I assess, the stark reality is… I am alone. Alone in hotel rooms, alone at the crib, alone traveling from place to place… alone in this experience of reaching my potential.

Truthfully, I used to be mortified at the thought of being alone though its benefits—personal growth, confidence, solitude—are great, the downside of being lonely, which is what I’ve been experiencing lately, really, really sucks.

I find myself staring at the padded walls in the vocal booth between takes quoting LL “ When I’m alone in my room sometimes I stare at the wall...” I mean, here I am in the middle of my moment,  having all these awesome experiences and when I look to my right to say ‘Babe did u see that??!!!’ I’m reminded that I’m on this mission as a lonely soldier. Don’t get me wrong folks I am happy, so blessed and thankful for the opportunity to live my dream but loving arms are a woman’s comfort.

As an artist, there are many hurdles to overcome in order to have a successful relationship. For one, most artist’s are used to being the star of the show, that level of self -centeredness can be a bit much for the average person to handle. Secondly, even if you are able to deal with the over the top, often quirky personality of an artist, the hectic schedule and/or lifestyle is a tough one to maintain.

To remedy this most artists, including myself, date within or around the music industry (heck we’re always working anyway, where else would we meet people?) which can be a double edged sword. For instance, I currently have a friend who’s another artist that I respect and greatly admire. We are sincerely fond of each other and in him I have someone who understands my passion and unconventional lifestyle. We have so much in common and great chemistry, but our schedules conflict. We see each other very rarely, sometimes weeks to months can pass us by. Most of our time is spent communicating via text, telephone and video chat. It’s frustrating to say the least because our relationship is very hard to nurture. We have found ourselves in the limbo of an “adult situation” somewhere between jumping off and dating.

This is what I like to call the rockstar dilemma where both parties are so dedicated to their careers that finding the time to do shit that regular folks do when they’re getting to know each other seems like rocket science. But, on a positive note it’s comforting to know that someone is thinking about you in LA when you’re watching the sun rise in Hong Kong. Aside from time conflicts, industry relationships can also be very dangerous especially for new female artists because if the relationship goes wrong, the potential drama from the fallout can damage your credibility. No one, at least not I, wants to be known as a starfucker. It’s the equivalent of seeing “For a good time call…” with your name and number scribbled in indelible ink in the boys locker room. No Bueno!

This life is fast, the window of opportunity to succeed so narrow, that everything career oriented becomes urgent. Having anything real and long term is hard to hold on to because career comes first, period.

The need to be loved is strong and the desire to connect is so fundamental that even though the odds are stacked against it we reach for closeness. Even if it is fabricated. Some of us have countless lovers on the road to achieve that closeness, though it’s not for me, but I understand it. I’m a sucka for love/serial monogamous with very particular tastes. I prefer the perceived safety of the long term. I’ve asked around and my friends say that what I want is virtually unattainable; a relationship with all of the good stuff ( friendship, priority, dedication, unconditional love, open communication, fun, laughter, and mind blowing physical chemistry) and none of the intense, unhealthy heaviness that comes with most traditional relationships… squeezed into the times that I am available (spoken like true artist, lol.) But I say why not? Anything is possible, right?

So here I am, Malene Younglao. I’m alone and sometimes lonely, except for when I’m in the arms of,  or on video chat, text or telephone with homieloverfriendtoocoolforschoolartistdude. But I am living my dream so I guess that’s the trade off, right?

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