I haven’t been here in while, staring at my finger smudged Powerbook screen searching for the words to convey all of what I’m going through at the moment. I can only hope the words come easily this time. As easy as the anxiety, daydreams, sadness and mood swings. I am lost and disappointed. When you’re focused on the spotlight things don’t always look so great when the guiding light starts to fade … it’s almost impossible to navigate through the darkness.
I believe we are all searching for satisfaction. In whatever form or however it comes we seek it out high and low: in our relationships, our careers, our religion. We hungrily devote ourselves to its pursuit. We yearn for it and when we experience it in small doses it only drives us more aggressively to hunt that feeling.
I throw myself into my career for it. I seek it out in the arms of my lovers whose kisses and warm skin please me to no end. But as time progresses, my career stalls and my lovers leave me disappointed … I realize that I am perpetually unsatisfied. Is it possible to satiate the insatiable?
My sexual drive is bottomless and increasing. My only thoughts on why this is so is because my career is unsatisfying right now so to drown out the pain of disappointment I have sought refuge in the arms in a familiar place … a man. But the emptiness left by my first love, music, is too deep for my desire to be fulfilled. So here I type, unsatisfied.
I realized this morning that my appetite can only be satisfied by one thing … creating. When in a stalemate, the easiest thing to do is give up. I can pull the covers over my head, sleep, eat and fuck my life away to satisfy the void left by a career riddled by a series of false starts and physical loneliness.
It took everything in me to face my computer today to write this. I knew it would drudge up what I was really feeling, what’s really distracting me. I must be honest though, writing this is the best I’ve felt in months. I’m ready to hit reset. My music video is finally done. I’m back in the studio recording new music, in love and undergoing a massive administrative reconstruction. I think I’m ready to get back on my grizzly. Stay tuned …